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Those of you who are unable to count your birthdays on your fingers and toes may be able to recall two characters from the sixties known as Pinky and Perky. These porcine puppets were much loved by adults, who would force their long suffering offspring to watch them regularly on TV. As children's entertainers, Pinky and Perky would have made superb bacon sandwiches.

For anyone who suffered in this fashion, a game which offers the chance to do unspeakable things with bombs to a large number of pigs should be irresistable. Unfortunately, Psycho Pigs UXB fails to live up to these porcicidal expectations.

The game consists of a number of rounds in which the objective is to wipe out all other pigs by throwing bombs at them. The bombs are scattered about the play area and are replaced as they are used. Each bomb displays a number representing the time in seconds for which the bomb will count down when thrown before exploding. Bombs rebound from the side walls, others count down without being thrown, so caution is required.

From time to time certain items will appear in the play area. These, if picked up, will assist you and provide, for example, a longer throw or a more destructive bomb.

The pigs that you battle against are colour coded, different colours indicating different temperaments: Aggressive, lazy, happy and so on.

This could cause problems on a green-screen monitor if the colour codes affected the way the game is played. However, as the nature of your opponents appears to make not the slightest difference to your progress, the problem does not arise.

After a number of rounds you are awarded a bonus round. This requires you to kiss a number of lady pigs as they pop up and down from a lot of holes. Riveting stuff.

Psycho Pigs UXB is a game that reaches previously unexplored limits of mediocrity. It is not a game for animal lovers, It is not much of a game for anyone else either.

It is difficult to comment on a game which held my attention for no more than five minutes. The skill rating is minimal, the graphics are no more than well below average. Leave the game on the shelf and play with a ham sandwich instead.