Previous Next

Some of the more easily distracted of you out there may be getting bored being all fit and athletic by playing those testing sports simulations. Why throw javelins or bob sleigh when you can throw yourself headfirst off the top of a tower, or chuck cats. That's exactly what the forefathers of Daley Thompson did in the barbarian equivalent of the Olympic Games.

On loading up, you are faced with the agonising choice of competing or practising, which is very useful. After selecting, you are allowed to choose from a high-res identity parade of barbarian athletes, all willing to endure the sort of physical torture which makes the Japanese game show Endurance took like Blankety Blank. Be warned those of you of a slight disposition, this game comes with a Certificate 15 rating. These Aryan events include:

1. Tower Jumping Your barbarian is perched atop the highest tower the organisers could find, and then for the barbarian to prove his masculinity he has to jump off the top, clear 22ft in a horizontal direction and land on his head.

2. Cat Throwing It's a wonder that the Cats Protection League haven't found out about this one! It involves your Barbarian spinning round in a fashion reminiscent of a modern day discus thrower, but instead of a discus, the athlete is holding a cat by two of its legs, trying to lob it over 50ft along a neatly mown lawn. If you get bored with the game you can always try this event out on next door's moggy!

3. Ale Drinking A speciality event of many members of this magazine. It's the old rugby drinker's favourite down-it-in-one, except being a bit of a boorish barbarian you choose to do it with a barrel of the stuff. Don't spill any, this is probably a crime.

4. Rock Rolling You thought Decathlon joystick waggling was tough! In this event you find yourself at the base of a steep hill supporting a rock with your bare hands. You then ahve to roll the rock up while on the other side your opponent is doing the same. If you let it waggle too slowly you will no longer be able to support the rock and it will roll back and crush you. If your opponent beats you to the top of the hill he will, without remorse, roll his rock down hill on your side which will also crush you. Naturally, if you get there first you get to flatten him. Sheesh, there can't have been many voluntary Decathletes in those days!

Other events include the Human Hit in which you use a fellow barbarian as the target for some hefty rocks; the comparitively gentlemanly Pole Fight, though this is fought with clubs rather than staffs; Mountain Walk, reach the middle of a rope as fast as possible; Axe Throwing is done at your opponent and the Arm Wreck is an extreme version of arm wrestling.

Blood 'N Guts is a considerable improvement on Greve Graphics' previous efforts. The graphics are a major step forward with their sharp pictorial background scenes and the precise animation of the large characters. The only problem is the player's major enemy the multi-load, and the dodgy loading this entails. This game has crashed on loading one section several times.

Nevertheless, this comes recommended to anyone out there with a remotely sick sense of humour.