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Ancient conundrum what sits on the sea bed and shivers? Answer Myrtle the Mermaid, wobbliest sprite in computer games.

What meaneth Rachael? Well, pin back yer lug oles, me old mariner maties, and with a cry of "Where's me bucaneers?" I'll tell you a sailor's saga of fishy females - a true mermaid s tale.

Arr-har. Myrtie babie is fullalove for a sailor by the name of Gormless Gordon, an incredible moron who's taken one look at the abundant charms of Myrtle's ample water wings, and done a runner. Well, you know what sailors are!

Into the briny dives Gordon. followed by the amorous aquatic sex symbol, who's calling. "Come on over to my plaice'" Then it's down to Davey Jones in what Electric Dreams calls an 'arcade comedy'. The inspiration is more seaside postcard than Oscar Wilde though, and it's forty fathoms from Jacques Cousteau's wettest dreams.

Down on the sand bar there are bottles of stout and Gordon's gone and gotten himself wrecked, or at least trapped in a Titanic tin tomb unless Guinness guzzling girlie Myrt, can find and free him and

Oh. enough of this nautical tosh. If the sprites were Death Ray Cruisers instead of Manta Rays, this zero gravity environment could just as well be outer space, because this is just another drippy arcade adventure all over again and apart from the fact that bits of the central character bounce in a way that Jet Set Willy never did, you've seen it a thousand times before.

There are attribute problems that make it look like the screen colour has run and every so often you get stuck on a screen edge as you try to cross into a solid chunk of rock causing a frighteningly last stroboscope display. Sudden death has seldom come more suddenly than when you collide with the denizens of the deep.

Electric Dreams has turned out a couple of reasonable offerings but this is as exciting as an electric eel with dud batteries. Apart from the buxotic pulchritude of Myrtle, a Dolly Parton of the deep, there's nothing to even make you get your toes wet.