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It's not that I don't like kicking people in pyjama bottoms to death. I mean, don't get me wrong, I enjoy that just as much as the next person. Only not like this.

If you're going to kick someone in jim-jams to death, you might as well know exactly what it is that you're doing. You ought to have some sort of control over your bodily functions (can I say that, without being misconstrued)? You should at least be able to tell which one on the screen is you.

None of which you're actually able to do with Firebird's Kick Boxing Because it's naff.

This is a game with no street cred. And no pyjama tops. The idea is to kick mighty Mick the Meat Kicker before he kicks you and thus win the competition, the crowd's adulation and a Hollywood contract etc, etc.

All very well. You have lots of moves, high kick, low kick, punches, and, most importantly, back off, block and run away. But they all look the same. And none of them seem to have any effect. I found that the best way to score points was just to waggle the joystick about not very challenging really. The points mount up quite quickly, but your endurance level will drop and that'll be you out of the running.

I find it hugely suspicious that when playing Kick Boxing it's possible to get on to the Roll of Honour just for waggling your joystick. I found it even more suspicious that I couldn't identify myself, since both of the fighters on the screen seem to do the same moves at the same time.

And I found the way one of the men kept dropping his trousers when he turned round, very distressing. Good job the graphics aren't up to much.

I'm not impressed. And neither will you be.

It's games like this that give the budget software industry a bad name, Truly dull, apart from the pyjama bottoms.