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Another footy game (must be the weather). Choose your team from the new British superleague, decide whether you're a player manager or not, and get on with the game.

As in the other Cult games, everything is accessed from a main menu, but unlike even the most humble footy games, the options in 2-Player appear to have no effect on the game whatsoever.

You can't change much, apart from switching current team members with subs, who are useless anyway, so there's not much point, and some are strangely 'unavailable'. There's no training option, no physio, and you can only enter the transfer market after week nine and before week 30 (that's assuming you still playing then).

The packaging lists 33 features and promises 'much more'. It's only when you can't find all these features and examine the inlay more closely that you notice the message 'Cult cannot guarantee that all features are on all the versions' tucked away in the small print. Hmmph!

An option enables you to choose which speed the match itself is played at. Seeing as there's no action involved at all and you have no influence over it, I thought maximum, speed ten would get it over with quickly. Wrong! Even at top speed the match dragged on and on, and all you can see is a little report of the current score. Infuriating.

2 Player Soccer Squad offers nothing to the players with it's meaningless options. It simply isn't entertaining.

WILL … 17%