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People in cold countries hate the Olympics because it is dark nearly all the year round, and no-one can go out except with tennis rackets on their feet and specially-shaped noseguards.

So, with a stroke of genius, the Winter Olympics were invented. This required no heat, little light and the participants could wrap up cosily and place warm potatoes in their trousers without causing drugs scandals.

Winter Super Sports '92 enables you and five other cold-blooded chums to play up to eight ice and snow orientated events against each other and the clock. These events range from the quite-useful-if-you're-caught-in-a-snowstorm to the very-silly-unless-you-work-on-a-farm-in-Finland. Here are the events, if you're still interested:

Downhill Skiing. Here you - er, ski down a hill. It sounds easy, but the hill boasts several obstacles en route, like glaciers, rocks, trees and people who cheer your perilous descent. You steer left and right to avoid this lot at the same time as trying to keep your speed up. The screen is split to show how your opponent is doing - unless you're in direct competition when you race on the same piste.

Bale Jumping is next. This explains that ridiculous Finnish farm reference. You must swing your arms and skate around an oval track, jumping over reasonably pointless bales. The arm-swinging is carried out by carefully timing your joystick lunges - too fast and you lose the rhythm then grind to a halt, and too slow and you skate, um, too slowly. You hit Fire to jump the bales - and dead easy it is, too.

Now comes the Bobsleigh. Here you pilot a carbon-fibre bath tub down an icy tube, gibbering in fear. You've got limited steering as well as a brake, and there's a 3D view of the run as you desperately haul on your joystick, trying to stop the bob tipping over and causing you to slide on your face for a third of a mile.

After a quick trip to the face-rebuilding clinic tucked away in the mountains, it's time for the Giant Slalom. Only people over seven feet tall are allowed to enter (no, no, don't worry, that's just a little joke). This is like the Downhill, except that the flags are positioned in jolly unkind places - and sometimes they go between your legs, too.

The Luge comes next. A luge is basically one of those Abdomenizer things with a waxed bottom. You lie on it on your back, looking forwards so you can watch your feet zing along the icy track at 70mph. It's a thrill second only to travelling down the Pennines on a rollerskate. It's also very similar to the Bobsleigh.

Once you've stuck together your compound fractures and placed your dislocated limbs into the holes they [some text missing]