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Isn't the EEC eine wunderbar thingy, herren. Ariolasoft, der maison du ware du soft, has brought out der Eurocomputergamen fur kinderspiel.

Werner, Mach Hin! (it means Werner, hurry up!) is the first manifestation on our shores of German comic hero Werner. This man is much taken with beer, motorbikes and dice, and your task is to help in exploits related to all three.

There are five games on the disc (four on cassette). The first is called, um, cough, Diddling with Werner. There, I've said it now. It's a dice game (what else?), involving 13 beer mats and some aluminium cups.

The object seems to be to force beer mats on an opponent by outbluffing him as to the results of a dice throw. Werner, in this game, is a very large cartoon face who frowns, leers and peers suspiciously at one and all.

The next game is a bit closer to my heart. With a snappy title like "Who will bring the biggest bulk of bottles to the party" (you should see it in German ...), it can't go wrong.

Werner is taking four crates of beer to a party in his car, hut various common hazards conspire against him. Who can honestly say he's never encountered flying melons, manic drills (wildgewordene Bohrmaschine), jack-in-the-boxes (with condensor hein?) and the omnipresent ignition key extractor on the road? All the above drain Werner of beer and you defend him by moving the car out of harm's way.

And then there's something reminiscent of the Generation Game, called Werner's Panic Trip. Werner continues along in his car, dodging flying melons, and has to pick up roadside objects. Some of these, like bombs, are more trouble than they're worth so a snappy decision is needed as the bits whizz past.

Next on the itinerary - motorbike manufacture. In best jigsaw puzzle fashion you select pieces out of a huge pile of mechanical mayhem and produce a bike. As there's enough bits to make four or five, you have to have a keen eye for the right parts for the frame you've chosen. An attempt to make an inappropriate bit fit causes Werner to scratch his head in consternation.

He then needs a bottle of beer to calm himself down, and if you run out of beer, then he's off. When you finally manage to piece together a plausible motorcycle, Werner leaps on it and drives away.

But it has to pass muster, as two traffic cops cast critical eyes over it and cause trouble if anything's not just so.

The last game (disc only), is the Drive Through Fog. Atop the motorbike, Werner whizzes down the autobahn. As fog closes in you're responsible for making sure that he doesn't impinge on any large objects (like lorries) that just happen to be sharing the road with him. With visibility variable, it ain't easy.

Werner, or rather "Seininel-Verlach/Grslsch Advertising Campaign II", seems to have very little in the way of instructions apart from the bit on diddling.

Take any roms you might have off the back of your machine, 'cos it disagreed with my Protext. Knowing a little German, I delved into the instructions. Just as vague, except the words 'Up s**t creek' (my stars) seem to have crept into the English version.

The graphics are clear, smooth (except the bikebuilding bit) and inevitably subtitled in something that isn't English and bears little resemblance to German either. This is independent of whether German or English is selected.

It's a great shame they don't tell you how to play it.

Werner is a strange mess of potage. He's something of a minor cult in Germany comicwise, and the games in this collection seem to be trying to emulate a comic strip.

The piccies are really good and when that guy scowls (you would if you'd just got a melon in the face) it's purest slapstick. But the game content and the home-translated instructions are still one of life's stranger mysteries.

Perhaps Arthur C. Clarke could shed some light on the matter. More fun when drunk, methinks.

If you want a change from zapping aliens or spending hours wandering round mazes this could be the game for you. Werner, the most appealing computer character I've come across, prefers a drinking and gambling lifestyle to attacking everything in sight, one which I can empathise with.

The different games are therefore concerned with Werner's interests and though they're rather odd and confusing to play the graphics make up for these inadequacies especially on Drive Through Fog (the final game on the disc).

As long as you've got a better idea than me about building a motorbike you should be OK!