Paul Newman, star of Cool Hand Luke and purveyor of tasty condiments, was once asked how he managed to stay faithful to his wife when there was a long queue of Hollywood starlets, all eager to screw his brains out. "Why fool around with hamburgers?" the veteran actor replied, "when you have steak waiting at home." Which kinda sums up the way we feel about This Is Football 2004. Not because playing it makes you feel hungry, or indeed horny (although, now you come to mention it...) but simply because there's such a tastier alternative.

Perhaps it's unfair to go in hard on This Is Football just for the crime of it not being Pro Evolution Soccer. But after extensive research, we can exclusively reveal that life isn't fair. So, here goes. The weird thing is, Sony has been talking TIF up as an ultra-authentic simulation. But it's nothing of the sort. The ball physics are decidedly strange, with shots and passes pinging off in unexpected directions. Likewise, player movement feels plain wrong. Imagine watching a herd of gazelles run across an icy pond. Wearing football boots.

Trying to line up tackles is exasperating, because you're always fighting the controls - and more often than not, losing. Things aren't helped by the camera, which twitches like a pensioner watching his last ever match, desperately trying to keep up with the action. Eventually, you almost get used to TIF's innumerable faults (with the exception of the new volleying system, which we still cannot master) and find yourself charging between boxes, smashing shots past the Ian Walker-esque keepers. Turn up the difficulty, or play with a friend, and it starts to feel a little less like basketball - but not much more fun. Most damagingly, scoring in This Is Football doesn't trigger the hard-fought sense of satisfaction that PES does.

So, why would anyone pick hamburger over fillet steak? Well, barring the odd exception, you get accurate kits and names. And there's also a deep career mode, with the twist of starting out in charge of a school side. But FIFA also has those aspects covered. Which leaves network play as the one area where TIF outshines its rivals. Up to eight players can compete in a match, and there's a full community infrastructure in place - play people of a similar level and your ranking gradually improves. And, unlike FIFA, the visuals don't suffer when you're online.

Whether or not TIF's ace online mode is worth the purchase is your call. If you can see past the PES comparisons, it's possible to enjoy TIF's knockabout game. But, as far as we're concerned, it feels like cheating on the truly beautiful game.

Graphics 70%
Alright, but odd 'burns victim' facial textures.

Sound 60%
Real chants but commentary repeats too often.

Gameplay 60%
Reasonable, but beaten hands down by PES.

Lifespan 80%
Solid career mode and online play.

Overall 70%
A long way off the league leader in terms of playability, but it's the best-executed footy game, so worth a look if that's your bag.