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What's the worst job you ever 'ad? Bet it's not as bad as working for The Thing upstairs. There he goes again, shouting down for one of his 'orrible meals. Poor old Berk's got to set about preparing it - wish I'd joined the union.

Being a Berk, I never knew where to start because there's all kinds of bits and pieces I need to find and use. I've not got the nous for all this, and I don't move that quickly either - I'm a bit of a plodder really.

Anyway, the castle's not very big. I reckon there's about six screens, sorry, rooms. But it's got balconies, a cellar and a courtyard. I can explore in front or behind things, pick things up, drop them and generally shove things around.

The real trouble is the trapdoor. Whenever I open it, one of the monsters pops up and nasties everything up. I reckon some of 'em could be useful, but most of them are a pain. Take Drutt the spider (silly fool, looks more like a frog!) who follows me around and gets in the way. Boni is weirder, he's a talking skull. I can pick him up to get advice but he sometimes won't bother to help. Is nobody nice around here?

Anyway, must tell you about these disgusting meals - there's four of them altogether. Get a load of this:

1. Can of Worms
   First, find the can. Now open the trapdoor, collect some of the worms that crawl out, put them in the can and send the whole lot up in the dumb waiter to The Thing - ugh! As usual, Drutt gets in the way and eats all the worms. But I've found out how to fix him with a nifty flick of the trapdoor lever.
2. Fried Eggs
   That monster bird could come in useful here, better open the trapdoor and see if it comes out. I've seen a frying pan lying around somewhere and there's a stove in the next room. All I've got to do now is get the bird to lay some eggs. Beats me.
3. Boiled Slimeys
   If you've wandered down to the flooded cellars, you'll know where the slimeys are. Maybe if I went down and waded around in the slime, I might catch some. Then I could use that weirdo flamethrower monster to cook them. Ever seen a monster travel around on one wheel? If I let it up, though, it will follow me around and try and make toast out of me. Maybe I could lure him under that weight that hangs in one of the rooms, and drop it down on him. See, I'm not such a Berk after all.
4. Eyeball Crush
   This one's really the pits. I wondered what those seeds were for. Boni tells me to plant them and they'll grow into eyeball plants. I may be a berk but I know that eyeball crusher monster will be useful here. He can use his big boots to crush the eyeballs. But what do I collect the juice in? Makes you feel sick.

That's all the meals done. Now, if I can tidy everything up, The Thing will send down a safe with my money in it. You guessed it - then there's the problem of opening it.

Anyway, I've no hope of getting the money because I've let worms and slimeys crawl around everywhere. I've left the trapdoor open and all kinds of monsters are hopping around. What a life. And I'm still only a Learner; when I do it all as Super Berk, there'll be more to contend with.

The castle looks reasonable enough, dark and dingy as it should be. The monsters look colourful and really weird, and the slimeys and worms wriggle around as they should. At least when you drop something somewhere, you can always go back to the same place and get it again. That's handy, because I can plan ahead and get stuff ready for the Thing's next command.

But I like the way I look best. I may not be the fastest thing on two stumps, but I'm big, bright and I'm a smooth mover. Have you noticed me winking at you? It's nice to be the star of the show. Oh, and I've got my own theme tune that plays at the beginning - it's pretty good really.

But the real trouble with this job is that it's just too difficult. I can manage the can of worms but for the rest of the meals, I'm really working those braincells to suss out what to do - and most of the time I either get it wrong or I run out of time.

Luckily, the Thing just sets me another task if I don't complete the last one, but I don't get any points. It's going to be a long time before I get to open that safe. Why worry, I'm already rolling in readies, with all those TV appearances I'm making!