We're not asking for the world. Fast cars? No thanks. Big yachts? Keep 'em. Pneumatic-breasted dolly birds in edible underwear? Well okay, maybe a little of some of that would be nice. But really, we just want to know that somebody - anybody! - gives a damn. Evidently no one involved in the creation of this game did.

The Polar Express has gone from award-winning book to okay film to pish game in less time than it takes to say "Let's fleece the people!" And it's a shame, because the numerous cut-scenes spliced from the movie display an old-fashioned charm it could have capitalised on. Instead, the game has dropped it down a notch, resulting in a carriage-by-carriage walkthrough of unimaginative, unchallenging mini-games.

Food fights, dull sports games of various kinds, beat-'em-ups, rhythm action, stealth... Whether this is "a game for kids" or not, it feels like all the discarded ideas from other games have ended up here - along with rubbish-looking children, whose skills of verbalisation make the worst dubbed Hong Kong actioner look like a lip-synching masterwork.

Even the so-called 'special bits' such as skiing, running atop the train and - for the suitably equipped - the EyeToy segments are almost entirely without enjoyment. The only blessing is that the lack of care has extended to the game's longevity - the whole sorry shambles shudders to a halt in a couple of hours then rolls into the engine shed to rot.

Graphics 50%
Let's be kind... they're not terrible.

Sound 30%
Well, it isn't silent.

Gameplay 30%
Varied. That's various kinds of rubbish.

Lifespan 20%
How does a couple of hours sound?

Overall 30%
Like a Christmas puppy a couple of months into spring, The Polar Express is small, pitiful and in dire need of a swift termination.