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Maybe no-one's told US Gold, but there are some of us to whom Shirley Muldowney isn't exactly a household name. We don't know peanuts about drag racing, and think that "redlighting" and "smoking your tyres" are probably illegal and almost certainly subversive. So we're not going to start drooling all over the keyboard at the mere mention of Top Fuel Challenge.

It appears that drag racing involves driving very long cars at very high speeds over a very short distance. The cars have tiny bicycle tyres at the pointed end, and enormous tractor-like treads at the rear, and hit speeds of over 250mph within split-seconds of leaving the start line. They complete in races that are over in less time than it takes you to read this sentence, and their velocity is such that they need parachutes to help them stop.

Not surprisingly, a career in drag racing is one pursued only by dedicated nutters who don't mind losing the odd limb or two. Shirley Muldowney will bear witness to that, having been rebuilt more extensively than the Bionic Woman. Still, determination will win through, and our Shri is, according to the press cuttings included in the pack, "the winningest woman in drag racing history and three time World Champion". Well worth the price of five broken fingers, a severed thumb, a broken right hand, pelvis, right leg, left foot and marriage.

Don't worry though - playing Top Fuel Challenge on your C64 isn't likely to damage anything other than your wallet and your brain. And though the adverts insist that you will "recoil from the heat of your turbos" and "feel the snap of the G-Force", they are, in fact, a wee bit exaggerated. Recoil from the stupefying boredom and feel the snap of your temper would be more accurate.

A racing simulation which lasts less than ten seconds doesn't sound too promising for started. In practice, the game involves a hell of a lot of foreplay before reaching each brief, unsatisfactory, climax. A series of tedious pre-qualifying screens, listing current events, locations and prize money, followed by information about track conditions and maintenance menus, must all be waded through before you even get behind the steering wheel.

At this point you're required to achieve a few "burnouts". The grossly inadequate instructions explain that these are intended to "heat and clean drive tyre rubber" prior to a run but fail to tell you how to do this. So you'll spend a merry time either stalling your engine or blowing it up as you juggle with the joystick and fire button, attempting to build up the revs and ease out the clutch. Each abortive burnout results in prompt disqualification, and after several screens displaying the results of races in which you haven't competed, it's back to the garage for maintenance again, to replace engine and tyres and top up with fuel.

Should you succeed in achieving burnout (a certain amount of luck, plus a phone call to US Gold's technical department will help), you've still got to complete a qualifying run before facing your competitor. No information is given about this at all, other than a description of the peculiar "Christmas Tree" of electronic starting lights, and it will be some time before you even realise you've crossed the finishing line. Chances are you'll either redlight (start prematurely), blow your engine or simply drive too slowly to qualify. And then it's back to the maintenance sheds again.

The graphics are by Paul "Super Huey" Norman, and are up to his usual standard (i.e. abysmal). Look out for the epileptic pedestrians on the Track Conditions screen, and the self-portrait of Picasso which accompanies "Maintenance" is another unexpected delight. Sound effects are limited but appropriate, and are at least better than the god-awful animation.

Still, despite the lack of useful instructions, demo mode and any kind of professional polish at all, Top Fuel Challenge does succeed in being authentic in one respect. It's a real drag.