This is a real Frankenstein's monster of a game - a peculiar creation cobbled together from bits and pieces, sometimes dramatic and sometimes pathetic, lurching about looking for an identity [Wow! A metaphor! - Ed]
Or to put it another way, it's a bit of a shambles in places.
The plot is thin even by computer games standards, and tells of intrepid all-American football hero Harry Johns and his search for his beloved Conny. Conny is the prisoner of the sinister Dr Graves, held captive on an island populated by the horrific mistakes of the good doctor's pioneering experiments in genetics.
These unfortunate creations bear uncanny resemblances to famous stars of Hollywood horror flicks - Dracula, Frankenstein's monster, the Mummy, the Wolfman, a zombie and a witch. Harry's got to kill the lot before he can once again enjoy Conny's ample charms.
None of this prepares you for the horrific beginning to the game: a map of the island, dotted with triangular trees and wobbly contours, and in the middle of all this, a little matchstick man. It's about as chilling and sinister as a geography lesson.
The little matchstick man is Harry, and as he sets off across the island, his little matchstick arms flap up and down as he blunders into the conifers and bounces off the coastline, heading for the nearest building.
But once inside, graphics and gameplay improve dramatically. The rooms are crammed with baulstrades and busts, vases, coffins and furniture, and though these are made for graphic stock items (the busts are the same in all buildings), they're sufficiently varied to make each location quite different.
Harry has now grown to a good half-inch high, fleshed out with muscles and sweatshirt, and as he tiptoes across the room, swarms of witches and phantoms start criss-crossing the screen at every level.
Harry might be tempted at first to try and leap over the ghosts and monsters, but if he tries this he'll be bounced around the screen like a pinball, his energy sapped and his firepower gone. The secret is for Harry to wade into the fray zapping away continually, cutting a swathe through the enemy. Don't worry about ammo - Harry can keep firing endlessly - or at least until he gets bounced again.
Somewhere in the building, up a flight of stairs or maybe hiding behind a pile of crates, you might find the unmoving figure of Dracule or one of the other five monsters. Now all you've got to do is lead Harry to the right object which will slay the creature - in Dracula's case this will be a hammer and stake. But it's rare that both a monster and the means of its destruction will be found together in the same building, so Harry's got to scamper around the island once more, searching the other dwellings (all ghost-infested) until he picks up the tackle. A little gravestone then pops up at the bottom of the screen over the appropriate icon, and your score gets boosted by 10,000 points.
And then it's off to find the next monster and the correct weaponry.
Both monsters and objects are randomly placed afresh at the start of each new game, so there's no point in drawing a map either.
Other than more or less infinite firepower, Harry's also got the exorcist's equivalent of a Smart bomb, to be used sparingly. One wave of his hands and the screen magically clears of all spirits for a second or two. This proves useful when things get sticky.
But just when things get going and you're enjoying yourself, Harry's got to search for the next building and once more you're looking at pictures of matchstick men in what must be one of the most tedious, time-consuming and generally duff game sequences ever.