For years, scientists have been divided on mankind's greatest achievement in the field of erotic videogaming. Some claim it's the Rez Trance Vibrator. Others suggest it's the bit where Snake kisses the posters in Metal Gear Solid. One leading authority even thinks it's the pole-dancing mini-game in Dead To Rights. One thing's certain, though - Rumble Roses puts them all to shame.

Let's be clear: this isn't a game that can be justified to a parent/girlfriend. It's the most unashamedly smutty game since the Olympic committee tried to rule that women's volleyball outfits be made entirely of string and butter. Forget arguing that it's a celebration of the female body - that's going to fall apart as soon as the girls start rolling around in flesh-coloured mud. Forget saying it's all about feminine empowerment - there's far too much moaning and squealing emphasis on 'humiliation' moves for that to work. And don't even think about suggesting that actually it's, like, a really good game - however technophobic your other half is, she's bound to notice its many glaring deficiencies next to SmackDown!

For a start, there are only two match types. Three if you count Humiliation Finish Only matches - but we don't, because that's like saying running the hundred metres with your eyes shut is a new and exciting sport. And that perfectly animated heaving flesh comes at a price, and that price is the lack of any tag matches, battle royales, or anything else involving more than two ladies at once. The Mad Mud match is nice, but a bit short on imagination - where's the option to deliberately dunk your opponent in the glop so she can't breathe?

Similarly, there are weapons, but only four, selected by some demented lottery we can't even guess at. In order of effectiveness, they are: baseball (a bit over-exuberant), knuckle duster (sensible), riding crop (saucy) and glove-on-a-stick (insane). Okay, it's sort of possible to see where they were going with the riding crop, but again, why hold back? Where's the paddle or the whip, or the [Obscured on legal advice]. You're already making a game where the characters are basically violent strippers, Konami, so why are you getting all coy when it comes to the prop cupboard?

The wrestling's better, but still disappointing. Playing like a stripped-down version of SmackDown!, each wrestler's got a moveset maybe a third of the size of their WWE counterparts, with more obscure moves like weapon grapples ignored entirely. There are startling omissions, too - throw a wrestler into the guardrail outside the ring and she'll just stop, as if it wasn't there. It's also far too easy to benefit from relentlessly doing the same thing - even the final boss can be beaten easily by repeating a single submission move. Worst of all, the finishing moves (divided into Killer, Lethal or Humiliation categories) can be done virtually whenever the bar's built up - there's none of the tension about trying to avoid a vulnerable position that happens in SmackDown! Worst of all, the vaunted Face/Heel system revolves around making 'vows' (like not attacking a downed opponent) and doesn't even come into the story mode

Disappointing, then? Well, for gamers, definitely. But for anyone who's purely after some shameless virtual bongo, the news is much better. This isn't Leisure Suit Larry, forcing you to play for half-an-hour in the hope of seeing a quick flash of pixelated grot - this is a game with a hands-free, computer-on-computer flesh-fest available from the outset. And, yes, better men than us have admitted to fancying Jessica Rabbit or Harley Quinn from Batman: The Animated Series, so we feel no shame in admitting that, when you're watching these astonishingly well-animated grumblettes writhing around the ring, there's... 'stirring'.

Producer Akira Uchida's made no secret of the fact that he expects players to relax in a gentleman's way with Rumble Roses, and it's something he's done his best to cater for. Every major jazz-pamphlet archetype's covered, from prim 'n proper school teacher Miss Spencer (catchphrase: 'Please rise') to naughty nurse Anasthesia ('Time to get up'). They've got at least five outfits each, with alternate 'personas' unlocked by completing story mode. Their moves are a bold combination of traditional Lucha Libre and less conventional tactics like ear-kissing or spanking. Worth a special mention are the 'Humiliations' - shame your opponent enough with submissions, and she'll eventually become vulnerable to a super attack which - typically - really hurts and exposes her pants to the crowd. Why you'd get all embarrassed after entering a wrestling contest dressed in a PVC bikini is anyone's guess, but - hey - it works. As a game, then, Rumble Roses is woefully deficient. And, as under-the-hedge material, it's probably a bit expensive. Still, as a way of getting your Snake going, it beats licking the inside of a locker...

Want to enjoy Rumble Roses without all that distracting button-pressing stuff? Not to worry, as Konami has you covered like a jimmy hat...

1. The Gallery
   Not really a 'gallery' in the Tony Hart sense, but more of a chance to shift the camera about while the ladies stretch. And jiggle. We like that.
2. The Entrances
   They're not all steamy - the ninja-lady rides in on a giant frog, for instance - but most of the girls move like they're auditioning for Stringfellows.
3. CPU Vs. CPU
   Ah, the eternal struggle. Simply choose two ladies, dress them up in the skimpy clothing of your choice, set them off... and relax. You filthy beast.
4. The Beach
   Actually, this is the gallery again, only with less clothes and even more writhing. Unlocked when you win a title. Could you please pass the baby oil?

Graphics 90%
Astonishing... in a technical sense.

Sound 70%
Turn the volume down if you're not alone.

Gameplay 60%
Like a simpler version of SmackDown!

Lifespan 50%
Two hours, then you'll never play it again!

Overall 60%
If you're drooling for more after spanking Trish Stratus raw in SmackDown! then you're really going to love this...