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Anyone remember Roy Of The Rovers? He's one of those perennially young goody-goody footballers whose improbably net busters always save the day despite him being somewhere in his late fifties. Personally I admire the likes of Paul Davis and Vinny Jones, upholders of the true footballing spirit.

Gremlin's game is really two games in one. The first and more substantial bit is an animated adventure. The second game, a five-a-side football sim, is very much less substantial and looks as though it's been bolted on simply to justify the 'footballing' expectations of any punter who digs deep for it. Without it, "Roy" of the Rovers could have been anybody. Maybe a car salesman?

For what it's worth, I'll let you in on the scenario. Apparently, Roy's teammates have been kidnapped before the Big Match [Why doesn't that happen to West Ham? - Ed]. Roy's task is to find all ten of them before it's too late and the promoters pull out. Presumably this means Melchester FC will become a Shopper's Paradise hypermarket (just like Stamford Bridge).

You control Roy with your joystick, wandering through the streets of Melchester, exploring the streets themselves and any buildings you can get into. You can stop and talk to various people, in the hope that they'll give you a clue. As you'd expect, various useful (and useless) objects are to be found and picked up. These, if you get the right ones, should enable you to rescue your teammates from captivity.

There are a set of four pull-down menu options across the top of the screen, activated by the Function keys. The first menu gives you a set of physical options: walk, run, chat, smile and fight. There's also a set of options for picking up, putting down and using any objects you've collected. You can go home (where you'll find more objects), visit your mum or just rest to gain more energy.

Although the gameplay is well implemented, the interminable wandering round the streets gets pretty boring and you need to do a lot of it to find you where various places are. There are some nasty tricks lying in wait though.

Like these two. Go into the police station (on Lettsby Avenue) and they'll merely detail you for questioning and lose you lots of time. Here's another. The bloke in the Kings Arms tells you to get some dosh together and meet another bloke in 25 minutes at the Farmers Arms. So you go home, get your wallet, and somebody mugs you on the way back. Apart from that lot, you'll come across people who pull guns on you or won't let you past, etc. All in all, Melchester comes across more like the Bronx than anywhere else.

I'm sure there's a story to be unravelled behind all these going ons but I'm not sure if I can be bothered to find out. By the way, if you run out of time, you can sit back and watch a team of bulldozers make a right old mess of the lush Melchester FC turf.

Anyway, you're then transported into the 5-a-side football section which you only get to play in practice mode until you complete the first section.

Now the less I say about the footie bit the better - owing to the fact that it's completely naff. The most glaring booboo is the omission of goalposts It looked to me as though the goalie had put down a pair of pumps. One consolation is that there's a one or two player option - that's if you can find somebody else stupid enough to play.

Don't be fooled by the name. If you're expecting an action-packed football sim, stay away.