I have uncovered information which leads me to believe that the Bionic Man's brain is not a six million dollar device, as claimed, but in fact an unexpanded ZX80. Proof of this is due to cretain photos and drawings of Steve plugged into the so-called Portable Bionic System. I believe this to be a clapped out tape recorder, used to load programs into the ZX80.
We all know that the ZX80 works faster when it's doing very little. Well, you watch a television program with old Steve in it. Whenever he does anything bionic he goes into slow motion.
If I am correct (which I am - cough -), then this would be one of the biggest cons ever. The men with the technology to rebuild the world's first bionic ZX80 would have made off with six million dollars, probably of tax-payers' money. That figure doesn't include the profits from the TV series.
During the series some shots were taken through Steve's bionic eye. The only way such shots could have been taken is from within Steve's nut. So the old ZX80 can't be in there, which means it's probably in his arm, alongside his 3V Meccano elbow joint.
If you still don't believe me, watch his eyes. Every now and then an 'OUT OF MEMORY' message pops up, or even the occasional 'SYNTAX ERROR IN 2'.
Then out came the mega-brilliant sub-station controller, the 1K ZX81, with about 16 chips less than the ZX80 and a lot cheaper too. One of the men with the technology, etc was probably blackmailed by his wife into building a bionic woman called Jane. (Had they been watching too many Tarzan films?)
Of course, not wanting to use up too much of the con money, they bought a ZX81 and plugged in one of those Micro Command things (a supposedly bionic ear).
When the Spectrum popped up, they built a bionic dog, and with 48K it was a lot more intelligent than both Steve and Janie.
But the big question remains: what next? Will they build a bionic QL or will the only thing they'll be able to improve be the delivery time? Only kidding Clive...
22nd September 1984
