Chapter one? Seems a bit ambitious. In fact, we're thinking about visiting TDK's offices in person to make sure Pryzm 2: Know Your Troll never happens. And we'll be taking a bat.

It's your basic darkness-falls-across-the-land-and-a-chosen-one-shall-rise tat in which you're a troll who rides a unicorn. Karrock, the troll, does magic. Pryzm, the unicorn, jumps a bit and can't walk backwards. He's grumpy. She's feisty. They both go through the same four lines of banter 40 times in each level. Oh, it's magical.

The idea is to 'heal' all the evil plants and monsters in each level, usually by blasting them, then moving in to hit them. There are long periods of running around, on the look out for monsters (about six in each level) then frenzied flicking of R3 (the coin-up heal/hit director). But fighting monsters of R3 (the close-up heal/hit director). But fighting monsters up close is a random affair and you'll die in between every couple of plants. Pryzm can't stop quickly, jump very far or change direction easily, so the sequences of tiny platforms above seas of deadly lava are a ple-fingered, inertia-filled nightmare. None of which matters anyway, because you get infinite continues from the last plant you healed. You need persistence, not skill.

The pop-up's laughable. The controls feel like treacle. If, by some cruel twist of fate, you end up with this game, leave it in the box and ask for the receipt.

Love trolls and unicorns? Then stick with the miniature lead figures and percentile dice.

Aah, a cute little unicorn. Lovely.

It's just totally inept. And cute little unicorns make us puke.