The clichés are right: you should never judge a book by its cover, looks can be deceiving, all that glitters isn't gold... and so so. And here's a new one specifically for Project Minerva Professional - don't let the fairly smart-looking lady on the box fool you. This game is a horrifying mess.

Which is odd, because the concept is sound. You lead a squad of android infantry, patrolling battlefields and scoping out enemies. You then order your team to attack or snipe them yourself from afar. In practice, this amounts to running around boring levels then then wandering too close to enemy drones that attack you with blades that you can't defend yourself from. And they might have well asked our mum to program the friendly characters. You'll often see firefights conducted between soldiers standing a handful of pixels apart! Like it's the Napoleonic times!

Yet it's not idiocy like that which underlines what a bag of balls this is, it's the controls. There's no camera control; looking around is sluggish; and adjusting your view in first-person confuses, since you look in the direction the game camera is facing, not the way the character is. Why have these shockingly bad design decisions been made? *None of it makes sense*.

You don't need us to tell you not to bother. Or maybe you do: *Don't bother*. We won't say "We've played this so you don't have to." Nobody should have to play this.

Graphics 40%
Terrible faux-PSOne landscapes.

Sound 40%
Pompous military waffle.

Gameplay 30%
Near-uncontrollable drivel.

Lifespan 10%
That's the time it takes to snap the disc.

Overall 30%
A solid idea, executed with all the charm and talent of an obnoxious, fat man doing a belly flop into your face as you sleep.