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If Simon Forrester ever wanted to be a WWF wrestler, he wouldn't have much luck. His height would be a very definite advantage, but unfortunately he's not a very good actor.

WWF stands for World Wrestling Federation. It's American wrestling (leans away from keyboard to try and stop giggling). Would you like to know what that is? Simple, really - can you imagine what would happen if you let the organisers of a Sandown pier pantomime get hold of British wrestling? That's right - the only thing missing is the gingham dress.

Sitting here writing this review, it really is a lot harder to explain just how hyped WWF wrestling really is. You see, I could give you the following description:

Under a hail of mass cheers, the two wrestlers enter the ring, dressed in their costumes (these can be anything from a bandana to full body armour with zips in the knees). The wrestlers then disrobe and stand around in their swimming trunks staring each other out, grabbing the referee's microphone, and shouting catchphrases. After several minutes of mentally working out (staring at someone and talking at the same time as sucking your stomach in), the fight finally begins.

So the two wrestlers shake hands (probably throwing in an illegal punch here and there), and prepare to get down to business. The referee then hams up being incredibly pre-occupied with his shoelace, so that one of the wrestlers can throw in an illegal kick in the teeth, at which point the ref looks round and plays up the fact that he's utterly confused as to what the hell's going on.

Next up, there's pain. To everyone else, pain means swiftly clutching the body part that happens to be hurting at the time, and saying something like 'ow'. For WWF wrestlers, this couldn't be any further removed from reality. To them, you see, pain involves staggering around almost comically, trying to clear their head by shaking it, all the time keeping their back to their opponent, so he can sneak in another 'surprise' attack.

The match then continues in this fashion, with people bouncing each other around, using moves that would kill a man if the punches were not pulled and moves that, though the victim shows a look of intense pain (and subsequently bravery, fortitude and stamina), wouldn't knock the skin off a mug of cocoa.

Finally, as in all sports, there is a winner. It doesn't stop there, though, as there is also a gimmick. There is one wrestler (whose name eludes me, but was probably something deeply tacky like the Barber of Seville) who cuts the defeated opponent's hair off, another with a snake wrapped around his upper torso like a wrap.

And so the two 'sportsmen' walk off again, the winner grinning too deeply into cameras, and the loser snarling at children who're crushed up against the railings by middle-aged women whose biggest kick in life came in the form of the charade they've just watched.

I could say that, you see, but it wouldn't be enough. It wouldn't cover the pre-match slagging matches, the personal vendettas, the occasional glimpse into the soap-operised private lives of the wrestlers, the posters, calendars, watches, books, cartoons, comics, film appearances, bed spreads, wallpaper, lamp shades, cuddly toys, plastic figures, costumes and computer games. It wouldn't cover the fact that Titansports are probably going to do something very painful to certain areas of my body for not putting a TM after every word even vaguely connected with the sport (because they've licensed the whole gosh darned thing!).

So here is the game, and with the success of the sport itself (not the huge amount of money, advertising, and probably legal fees poured into its production), it'll sell whatever I say.

So let's load up the game. And wait. Wait a bit more, then wait some. Finally, the title screen loads (this is the disc version, incidentally) and we wait. Sooner or later (actually, later) you get the little menu, enabling you to either spar (if 'perform' wouldn't be a better word) with a partner, or go up against the computer. Either way, you have a choice of four characters - Randy Savage (nutter bloke), Hulk Hogan (religious bloke), Ultimate Warrior (pagan bloke) or Bret Hart (irritating flashy bloke).

The fight begins, opening with two far-too-small blokes in a far-too-big ring - thankfully, we've escaped all the bloody hype. Playing the computer version, the series of events is really quite simple. As you walk up to your opponent, he hits you in the chest. By the looks of your blokey, it hurts quite a bit (by the looks of your energy bar, it did no damage at all, which is probably really quite fitting). My granny always used to say that if someone hits you, hit them back. So you do. Twice. As computer blokey's reeling from the awesome damage of your fist, you grab him, and enter a grapple.

The rest is all very American wrestling, really, so you can take it for granted that there's a lot of throwing about, climbing on posts, bouncing off ropes, etc. The only problem is that you're never really quite sure what you're doing. You see, whereas one joystick movement will do one thing in one given situation, as soon as that situation changes, so does the action you're selecting. This does not mean that the game contains nearly all of the interesting, fun and brutally painful moves you'll find in the sport. It doesn't mean you can actually think, "I'll do a [whatever] on him now". This means the gameplay degenerates into waggling a joystick around aimlessly, hoping you'll win, as you can never predict what your actions will do (unless you spend hours memorizing all the various moves within the game). It also means that you'll probably lose against the harder computer opponents.

It's like watching a pub fight, sitting there and knowing that there's nothing you can do about it - if you want better graphics, sound and probably marginally better gameplay, just go home and watch WWF on the telly. Sure, you could study the art of WWF for several days just to know what you're doing from the first second onwards, but the initial (or rather total) confusion throughout the game will (I promise you) turn you cold.

So let's just say that maybe you've sat around and actually studied the arcane skills needed to play this game - what then? Well, it's just a mediocre beat-'em-up, that seems to be relying on the fact that it's based on WWF characters to sell it, because it certainly has no other distinguishing features. There are lots of moves, but with this control system you're doing the same stuff in a different direction, and watching the result - it's not really interactive, the machine could decide the move you wanted to make for. It's just so hugely average.

1. Reasonable if slow-moving and bland graphics. 2. The time limit is way too short for a computer game. 3. Behind the hype, it's so average I want to die.