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I wanted to write this intro in a true piratey style but I kept sounding like Captain Birdseye. So here, for your entertainment and information, is the CF review of Pirates, written by me, Clur. (Hmm, it'll do I suppose - Dave)

When I was a lass, all my mates dreamt of running away to the circus or driving fire engines. But not me, I wanted to be the next Anne Bonny, [Who she? - Ed]. I wanted to brace my main sails with the Mary Reads of this world [Never heard of her - Ed]. I wanted to be the most infamous pirate in history [Well, you couldn't be less famous than those two! - Ed].

Pirating is such a romantic vocation; you run your boyfriend through with a cutlass when he goes off with your best mate, then pick up another one from the hundreds of love-starved muscle-men on your ship. And then theres all that sailing around the sunny Caribbean - bliss.

Unfortunately, the job does have its risks - there's the fighting, the walking the plank, the storms, the getting arrested for press-ganging, the having to lose at least one limb. But there is a safe solution. First, get yourself a copy of Pirates, then take your C64 down to the local health club. Plug it in right next to a sunbed. Then lay back, soak up the UVs, while you plunder the shores around the Bahamas knowing that the only real danger is getting sunburnt.

In Pirates, you can go all the way from being a novice crew member to a captain of your own ship. Essentially the game is a combination of three different types of game. There's a texty bit which you use to communicate with other characters and bargain with merchants, there's a sea-faring section for getting from island to island and a beat-'em-up section where you can swash your buckle like a good 'un.

Unfortunately, this budget version of Pirates doesn't include the map that came with the original, which could cause you some navigational problems [A-ha! This sounds like where I come in - Andy].

You can start on whatever level you want but it's best to start at the bottom and work your way up. You can also choose to play in a variety of time-zones and places or to go on famous expeditions. Graphically, one time zone looks much like any other, but as long as you let yourself get involved in the gameplay it doesn't really matter, The sword fighting bits are, however, tediously slow.

There are three kinds of combat, each as sluggish as the next. Man-to-man combat has you battling against your enemy counterpart with nothing but a sword with which to defend yourself. Each move takes an age to complete, which makes defensive moves nigh on impossible; by the time your man has raised his cutlass he's already had his head lopped off. Ship-to-shore combat is even slower but the snail's favourite has to be ship-to-ship combat. Invariably, the wind is blowing in the wrong direction so that even the jellyfish overtake you as you steam towards the enemy's treasure-laden galleon.

The text side of things works very well, although admittedly a little slowly. You're asked a question then given a selection of appropriate answers, so you don't have to get involved in all that tedious typing nonsense and the computer doesn't have to decipher what you've written. Everything is controlled via the joystick.

Okay, I admit that Pirates is showing its age a bit and it crashed a couple of times (!), but I was reasonably engrossed and almost mastered the art of sword fencing. If you're into strategy games, Pirates is worth a whirl, but for action fans it's a buried treasure that isn't worth digging up.

Graphics 48%
Basic. They do their job, but then so does the real axle on a Morris 1,000.

Sound 28%
Errm... a few bleeps - you might as well keep the volume turned down.

Playability 48%
It's easy to get into the swing of things thanks to the difficulty levels.

Lastability 48%
Too sluggish to have a lasting appeal for anyone other than strategy fans.

Overall 57%