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Footie with everything. That seems to be the order of the day this year [Whaaat? - Ed]. Unfortunately, almost without exception, these supposed soccer simulations have been decidedly average. Until now that is, for England Championship Special has arrived and it turns out to be even worse than the previous 'foul' offerings.

The game opens with a list of options that any computer footballer must by now be familiar with: Tournament, Single Game, Practise Penalties and Set Preferences. In tournament mode you have to choose a list of eight teams to play in two different groups of four. Then you play through a series of games which make up the knockout tournament. In between games you get the option to chop and change the formation and player line-up of your team. Or, at least, that's the idea. In reality this option 'locks up' and you can't exit to the next game. All that remains is to switch off, switch back on and start all over again!

The Single Game option works exactly as it sounds. Choose your team, choose the team you wish to play against and you're on your way. Set Preferences allows you to toggle the sound fx and music along with the action replay feature (which is vile anyway). You can also choose to include weather, which basically consists of the odd lightning flash. Next comes the number of players: either two humans or you and the computer can slog it out. Finally you can set the match length. This is oddly set to a full 90 minutes when you load the game. A match that long would do your head in though so a five minute match is far more sensible. Unfortunately the programmers forgot to include a 'take the game back and get a refund' option which would have been the most useful!

So how does an actual match play? Very badly. The manual claims all the excitement and features of real football. In real football, does the clock stop during goal kicks and throw ins? I think not. When you're watching your local team do they form a wall in front of their own player for a free kick? Doubtful. And call me old fashioned but when did ten out of eleven team members ever run randomly around like headless chickens, only intercepting the ball when the law of averages caused it to hit them on the back of the head? Not an everyday occurrence down Wembley way, I think you'll agree.

There are so many Soccer sims kicking around at the moment that anyone who releases a new one really ought to be confident that it's better than everything that's gone before - especially with games like Kick Off doing the rounds. If they're not, they're doing themselves a disservice but more importantly they are ripping off the gameplaying public.

If I may, Id like to summarise with a few classic footballing phrases. I'm under the moon, sick as a terminally ill parrot and I'd like it over 'ere son, in the bin.

1. The pitch scrolls smoothly and the gameplay is fast.

1. The inclusion of a scanner would have helped you pass the ball more effectively.
2. The computer-controlled opponents have next to no intelligence.
3. The game 'locked up' and/or crashed at regular intervals.
4. Passing is difficult, the ball almost always goes to the opposition.
5. How the computer moderates free kicks is a complete mystery.
6. The manual is awful. It doesn't even begin to tell you how to use the tricky line-up menu.
7. The default setting for match length is 90 minutes, real time.
8. The sound effects amount to brutal aural torture.