You're not going to read any of this, are you? You're going to scan the page, paw the screenshots, try to decide whether this game actually constitutes porn and buy it based on that conclusion alone. We could fill this page with a prize-winning short story about the life and loves of a Venezuelan estuary shrimp and you'd never even notice. Hello? *Stop looking at the tits*! Right, sod you. Rodriguez was a very lonely prawn...

Blimey, you've made it as far as the second paragraph. Let's talk game then. Playboy: The Mansion is a Sims-style affair where you get to control Hugh Hefner, the respectable but wrinkly pioneer of the left-handed magazine. The aim is simple: build an empire by selling the highest-quality grot you can. Starting with a small amount of cash, you knock one out each month - magazine, that is - by filling the pages with interviews, articles and naked lady pictures. But, unlike reading the publication itself, producing it is not something you can do alone. Staff are needed to produce the necessary content, such as articles and centrefolds, and throwing parties enables you to meet the stars that might grace your pages.

Playboy: The Mansion is well made, insofar as it looks good and the controls are easy to grasp, but it doesn't deliver anything more than a very trivial management sim and a dull game overall. Missions set out various sidelines, like meeting specific people, but the overall emphasis is on producing the magazine. It usually unfolds something like this: tell journalists to write articles, photographers to take pictures and ask birds to get nekkid. There's no real thought involved though, as it all boils down to a simple tick list of jobs to be done in order to finish an issue. Even acquiring guests to pose or write for you is simply a matter of making friends first. The nearest it gets to any real management or strategy is no more taxing than keeping an eye on a couple of adjustable scales controlling the price and advertising content, which in turn will affect potential profits.

It's tedious to watch as Hef toddles around at a sedentary pace asking his employees to do various jobs for him and models to pose nude, but then you're not going to buy this for the strategy elements, are you? Unfortunately, you're still going to be disappointed, as photographing ladies in the buff provides scant amusement and watching Hef 'make sex' with the guests is actually more embarrassing than being caught with real porn. Don't imagine for a second that you'll find anything truly stimulating here - either as a publishing sim or source of stroke material. Playboy: The Mansion will disappoint all but the most desperate.

Graphics 60%
Jiggles in all the right places.

Sound 70%
Varied soundtrack.

Gameplay 40%
Thinner than the underwear.

Lifespan 60%
Shoots its load in the opening levels.

Overall 50%
A real copy of Playboy magazine provides ample more filth and hiding it from your parents provides a lot more strategy.