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This game's got a problem. In fact, it's got lots of problems. But there's one problem that's more problematic than the other problems, which aren't so much problems in themselves, but spin-offs from the main problem. Depending on how you look at it, Plan 9 From Outer Space (the film) could be a delightfully disastrous movie - the sort of film you'll watch over and over again because it's so cringingly bad. Alternatively, it's an abominable heap of celluloid that should be avoided at all costs, despite its supposed novelty value. Personally, I subscribe to the latter view - it's an absolutely god-awful film and not worth the video-tape it's supplied on.

Whatever you think, Plan 9 is a terrible film, and here comes the game's problem. If the Plan 9 game is bad, is it because it's a faithful recreation of the film's supposedly brilliant ineptitude, or is it bad because, er, it's simply a bad game. It's not a particularly hard philosophical nut to crach, but it's worth taking a look at the evidence before the prisoner is taken out and hanged.

Taking Plan 9 at the most superficial level, you'd expect it to be an adventure of some substance. The game's presentation is okay, there's a reasonably slick interface and a clear inventory list, but the action is squeezed into a window that barely covers a third of the screen. Moving from one location to another is a simple matter of clicking on a door, or on the side of the window. Don't expect anything as sophisticated as scrolling scenery or multi-screen locations, the Plan 9 world is entirely made up of disjointed single screens. To start with it's very disorientating - you enter a hallway, click to go through the door at the opposite end of the corridor and you end up back where you started. It's crazy.

"But wait a minute," I hear thousands of Plan 9 film aficionados cry, "that's because the directing in the film was so bad, there was no continuity and you couldn't tell whether the characters were coming or going."

No it's not. It's because it's a bad game. The disparate locations don't gel together to create a cohesive or believable game world, and while such vagaries be lauded in the worst film of all time, it's not okay when you have to pay £30 for the disappointment of experiencing it.

Moving swiftly on to the plot. Just as the locations have no connection, the plot has no logical thread to hold it together, inane conversations and a haphazard jumble of objects are all that you need to progress rapidly through the dismally dull adventure.

You start at Cheapflik Studios, and a quick wander round the bar and diner reveals a few other locations to visit. Trot off to the graveyard, examine Bela Lugosi's body and you'll find his house key. Skank over to Bela's Gothic mansion - so big that inside there are only three rooms, one of which is the hallway - and you find a credit card behind a moose-head trophy. Yeah, right. A really sensible place to hide it.

A flyer on the table gives the address of the local shopping mall. Wander over there and you can buy a scary mask and a spade. Examine the mask and there's a small key. Go up to the bank, give the key to the clerk and you're shown a safe-deposit box. Inside you find the first reel of film. Back up to the graveyard, dig up a grave and - hey presto! - there's the second reel.

You're only going through the motions of playing an adventure game, you haven't even started thinking about what you're doing, and you're already a third of the way through. To make matters worse, all this only takes an hour.

Back to the Plan 9 film fans. "But the film's plot was awful so the game's got to have a terrible plot." A terrible plot would be bearable. But a mishmash of objects and conversations, cobbled together in an indiscriminate fashion, just isn't good enough when it comes to a full-priced adventure game. If you've experienced the beautifully crafted stories of Lure Of The Temptress and Monkey Island 2, you'll despair at Plan 9.

And then there's the music and sound effects. Don't hold your breath, expecting Dolby Stereo Surround Sound and other such cinematic delights. The game's music sounds like the aforementioned moose with a bad case of wind, and the dismal sound effects only occasionally punctuate this flabby flatulence. "But they weren't any good in the film, so it's great that the sound effects and music are appropriately awful in the game." This 'brilliant badness' argument's wearing a bit thin now, isn't it? The music is terrible and the sound effects are pretty awful as well. That's it. No arguments. No excuses. No justifications.

And that's Plan 9 From Outer Space all round. Awful film, slightly improved, but still pretty pathetic, game. Connoisseurs of all things terrible will love it. They'll revel in its dismal plot, the dodgy bits of film footage, and the sad graphics and sound effects. (And they're welcome to it!) The rest of us, on the other hand, whill have plenty of better things to spend thirty-five of our hard-earned quid on.

Uppers: Reasonably entertaining idea for a game. The film footage is a pretty good idea.

Downers: Then again the video's included so what's the point of looking at a series of stilted stills on your Amiga? And it's too short, the plot's awful, the gameplay's disjointed and simplistic, the conversations are insultingly trite, the music and sound effects are abysmal. Need I go on?

If you're walking down the road one day, and you happen to see Plan 9 lying fatally wounded in the street, do yourself a favour - cross to the other side.