Everybody's doing it - giving awards that is. Oscars, Grammys, Emmys. Nobody can beat showbiz for people telling other people how wonderful they were.

At PCN we thought the computer industry had done a number of wonderful things so we've instituted an awards scheme of our own. But computing being what it is, we've spurned excellence and turned to the heart of the computing scene - the blunders, the ill luck and the occasionally sheer incompetence.

At PCN we're big enough to own up to our mistakes. So it is in that spirit that we announce the first annual Personal Computer News Christmas Turkeys presentation.

The judging took place at a glittering ceremony in the back room of a pub where the judges cast their gaze far and wide in search of deserving winners. Ladies and gentlemen, The Turkeys...

We kick off with awards for marketing and image-making.

For the most photogenic abuse of a juvenile, Ericsson wins the price for its recent TV advertising campaign.

A clear winner - Commodore for the most photogenic abuse of an elephant.

This goes to the company showing greatest abuse of royalty. Another clear winner - Bad Taste Software for Di's Baby.

This magnificent prize for image manipulation was closely contested, but finally the judges plumped for Apple UK for its recent campaign. Apple narrowly defeated ACT which had gone to staggering lengths to look good. The decisive factor was Apple's failure to sell computers.

A walkover here for IBM as the company most likely to take over the world. Commodore indicated a desire to enter, but was ruled out for not having what it takes. IBM has long since established a near monopoly on essentials such as ruthlessness and money.

A utilitarian trophy, beneath which the winners can hide their light. For the company doing the least to promote its produces, the bushel goes to Memotech. Enterprise Computers staged a late challenge on the grounds that it couldn't do less to promote a computer than not make one, but the judges ruled the entry out of order.

To Acorn for the Electron, because any machine that can remain 'promising' over a year after launch deserves special recognition. Another entry by Enterprise was disqualified on the grounds that while it has promised more than anyone, it can't be classed a newcomer until it sells a machine.

Awarded for the best own goal of the season. The two finalists, Acorn and Sinclair, fought into extra time when Acorn took a decisive lead. Sinclair possibly scored the larger number, but flair and style counts for more. The way Acornsoft let the Spectrum rights to Elite slip through its fingers had the judges chanting on the terraces.

Awarded to Psion for the Organiser, deemed to be "the largest ever multi-function wristwatch".

For contributions to portable computing. A closely contested category which resulted in several judges receiving physiotherapy after testing. The eventual winner was Sperry for its entry which weighed in at a dislocating 39lbs.

For the most spectacular crash, the judges did not hesitate to name Imagine, despite strong competition from Camputers' Lynx and Jupiter Cantab. Dragon Data also featued, but was felt to have put in too much practice and peaked too early.

This valuable trophy for technical innovation is shared among the manufacturers who participated in MSX.

A difficult decision since the judges were overwhelmed with entries. However, most turned out to be fact and the decision finally went to famous software house Joe The Lion for its Spectrum Emulator for the QL. Announced the the QL's launch, the emulator has yet to appear.

This is the premier award of the Christmas Turkeys, presented to the company getting most mileage out of a product that doesn't exist. A shock result here as hot favourite Enterprise was disqualified after a stewards' inquiry following allegations that Personal Computer World had seen an Enterprise computer. Although the claim was hotly disputed, the judges ruled that the Enterprise may exist on some other plane of reality. This left the field clear for Legend to romp home with The Great Space Race. The trophy itself, a stretch of water with a hole in it, will be presented at a ceremony timed to coincide with the opening of the Channel Tunnel.

Finally, a special award.

This goes to Sinclair Research for its denial of Spectrum developments 48 hours before the Spectrum Plus launch. The prize is a nose job by a top plastic surgeon.