Previous Next

Good morning, students. Today, our lecture on Response and Reaction concerns itself with ST games. Observe how, with the aid of a locked room painted in calming blue, an ST and Subject 14, the average gameplayer from Area D, we determine the effects of Offshore Warrior.

You can see in your notes it's a powerboat racing game set sometime in the future, and concerns itself with winning races at any cost, up to and including the excitingly violent destruction of your opponents. Professor Tambourine, the lectern is yours. Just remember, the astonishingly inadequate budget is ours, ha ha.

With the aid of a hidden microphone, we've managed to record Subject 14's responses to Offshore Warrior. (Click.) "Oh yes. Ah. Righto. Oh dear. Well, time to do that exasperatingly difficult applied maths homework." (Click.) Subject 14's case is not unique.

With scrolling blue bars replacing the usual scrolling grey ones, buoys that totally defy physics and hang around in the centre of the screen for a while before deigning to move towards you, opponents who are immune to everything but side-on ramming while being able to destroy your boat by brushing heavily against the paintwork, and a foolishly limited number of missiles, Offshore Warrior is simply dreadfully, dreadfully dreadful. Professor Plimsoll is now going to demonstrate how to convert the game into a relatively satisfying experience with the aid of this dustbin.

You're not trying to race, you're trying to survive, see?

Scrolling blue bars and the worst bits of every bad car racing game you've ever seen.