Jesus H ta-dancing Christ. So much bile, so little time. Where to begin? Hmmm. Let's kick off the proceedings with a quote from the box of developer Davilex's latest fumbling sortie into TV franchise necrophilia. "In this action-packed third-person shooter, you don't just have to shoot. You also have to kick down doors, collect evidence, solve puzzles and arrest suspects." Kick down doors? What witchcraft is this? We weren't born yesterday. Are games that technologically advanced already?

And do you know the most soul-crushing part of this, though? As a claim, it's not even true. For, when the time actually comes for a prime moment of door-kicking in Miami Vice, a cut-scene handles the job for you. Really. Then again, our expectations were hardly soaring, even before this. Frankly, it's had to get worked up when a game's second highest selling point is that it includes Crockett's Theme composed and performed by Jan Hammer. And the first? That it's "based on an actual TV episode, but fully interactive!" Woo.

All of which probably has you wondering how Miami Vice has managed to score 90%. Ha ha ha. Sorry. Just checking to see if you were paying attention. No, on every conceivable level, this blows like a fluffer trying for a world record. Or sucks. Same difference. The concept is back-of-fag-packet simple. Crockett is the nimble one who likes handguns but takes damage easily. Tubbs, meanwhile, is the slower one who totes the shotguns and can take more hits. Alternating between the two fashion disasters, you have to saunter through level after level, capping everyone in sight. And to be fair, with a sharp script, slick graphics and solid gameplay, even a one-note premise like this can deliver. Take Starsky & Hutch, for example. No really, take it. Just don't touch this because it has none of these things. The game camera is an object lesson in how to frustrate decent people by not showing them anything they actually need to see. The target-lock has all the flexibility of a bull-mastriff with its jaws clamped around a child's head, and the manner in which enemies spawn or detect danger is so crashingly unsubtle that you can almost hear the new line of programming kicking in.

In all honesty, if it weren't our sworn duty to give even videogaming's bottom feeders a decent chance on your behalf, we wouldn't have voluntrily made it past the end of the first level. And we didn't even pay for our copy. Just think about that...

Graphics 20%
Ugly, ugly and charmless, in that order.

Sound 10%
Crockett's theme actually is the best bit!

Gameplay 20%
Even if it wasn't broken, it would be dull.

Lifespan 10%
Make it to level two and you're doing well!

Overall 20%
Like a big Dyson sucking your soul out of your nostrils, Miami Vice is franchise abuse of the highest order. Absolute tripe.