1st December 2000As your editor claims to have been out with lots of European women, I wonder if he could help me regarding a problem I have with my German girlfriend, Tina. Everything was fine at the start but recently she has begun to act in a very distressing fashion. Perhaps EUG will be able to explain the cultural barrier that I need to overcome to make sense of her behaviour.
I was first put on alert when I discovered a C90 amongst her hits by Die Fantastican Vier with the title "Songs Of Praise". As she is not yet in her thirties, yet alone seventies, I thought it unlikely she'd transferred the show to a music cassette, so I slapped it into the tape deck to find out just what it was.
I was astonished to find it actually contained a load of Germans singing untunefully and then a strangely familiar man shouting "Heil!" - and a load of incomprehensive German gobblygook about Nuremburg - very loudly. You understand my suspicions were aroused.
A few days later, we were in a restaurant together. I tried to broach the subject and, in response to an inoccucious comment I can't remember, Tina flew up and began screaming a mouthful of the same rally in my face. Two days later, I found her goosestepping around the flat wearing a German officer's uniform and shiny boots!
The Electron was brought in too. Just last week, I found that the aereal lead and tape lead had been rearranged into a swastika logo with sellotape and dried blood. I also found a new piece of cipher code present on a disk called "ENIGMA II" and a lot of View files containing strange CTRL codes and accents. The title of the PD game NUTTER had been cunningly altered to "Der Hjalte zum Deutschland".
Perhaps what gives me the most concern are the most recent developments. Tina's pillow, which had been covered in fluffy toys, now has a cuddly doll of Hitler on top of it and a mindboggling collection of torture instruments beneath it. I did have a long black coat in my wardrobe but it suspiciously disappeared one time Tina was left alone in its vicinity. I have heard rumours that someone is walking around Solihull wearing it and shouting "Be afraid of the Gestapo!" at three o' clock in the morning and I once awoke at such time and Tina was not in the flat!
Unfortunately, my problem is the age old one of wondering whether these disadvantages actually overcome the advantages of our relationship. Whilst I don't want to dwell on the 'physical' side of things, I can confidently assert that when we are together on the street, all eyes turn to look at us and when we are alone, Tina does some right good slapping. I am also very impressed by her size; she is quite a strapping lass and is apparently very popular within a close circle of friends which she won't let me meet. They go out for "matches" together - at least that is what I think she said, her accent makes t's sound like r's sometimes!
If you could let me know by return of post whether you or any of your readers have had any similar cultural differences such as this, it would be much appreciated. If you know of a way of getting over them then that advice would be even better. But trying the European card doesn't seem to work. When I suggested we had the popular identity of European, she just yelled "I spit on ze Europeans!" and frogmarched me outside the flat with a carrot, then locked the door so I couldn't get back in. The neighbours are also complaining that there is a distinct smell of gas coming from our flat and Tina refuses to tell me what she is doing with a large cylinder, a power drill and seventeen metres of rubber tubing!
Anybody got any ideas?
"Weird Ian", Solihull
Um, yes. Unfortunately I've never come across this particular problem before. I would suggest a change of medication and a change of scenery - perhaps to a place with soft, white walls?Dave E, EUG #55
