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Ade Edmonston is, without doubt, a complete bastard. At least he admits it. According to Ade, if you go out and buy his game, you can become a complete bastard. According to me, if you buy it, that makes you nothing more than a complete dickbrain. You see, I too can be a complete bastard. I don't have to try.

Being a complete bastard in the game involves you in unspeakable acts of violence against the guests at a yuppie party. The rooms are portrayed in bastavision which, needless to say is a view of the same room from two different angles. The angle of view on either screen can be rotated by ninety degrees, so you can look at yourself from in front and behind, or more usefully the front and side view.

To begin with, you have no ammunition with which to perform bastardly deeds, these can be picked up along the way. At the bottom of the screen, the words 'complete bastard' appear. To finish the game you just illuminate each of the letters by performing deeds of the utmost bastardliness on the guests, forcing them to leave the room. Only the worst possible deeds will cause the letters to remain lit, less bastardly actions will illuminate them for a short time only.

Various meters indicate your general physical state as well as your potential for bastardly acts. On either side of bastavision screens you will find the drinkometer - which indicate how drunk you are, and to the right the smellometer. Getting drunk is accomplished pretty easily. You just go to the fridge and drink vast amounts of Monster Get Pissed Fast Lager, or which there are unlimited quantities.

Similarly, unlimited quantities of curry can be found in the cooker. Eating curry builds up your fart powder - as indicated on the fartometer. When you have built up sufficient quantities of fartpower you can let rip with some really guffy pumps and clear the room as well as increasing your general level of smelliness.

Drinking vast quantities of Monster Get Pissed Fast Lager not only gets you lashed fast - you'll want to wee at every opportunity. Don't waste time looking for the toilet (though some fun can be had there with the clingfilm and super glue), head for the nearest tree. The weeometer rises as you drink more and more lager. Weeing not only brings it down to a more comfortable level, you get lots of points for it.

A word of caution. When you go to the fridge, or cooker, or whatever, you are given several options. For example, you can drink some of the lager, all of it, or leave it well alone. In this game pigging yourself is a bad mistake. Too much beer causes the bottom bastavision screen to spin uncontrollably. Eating all the curry results in a fart of mega proportions which, presumably ignited by the cooker, cuases a huge explosion killing everyone in sight. Not even you can survive having your bottom blown off.

Apart from drinking, eating curry, weeing and farting there are other things you can and must do to earn the title of complete bastard. The cupboards, fittings and furniture in each room contain various things which can be used for bastardly deeds. You have to watch out though, there are many things, like yoghurt, coleslaw and barbecue food no self-respecting bastard would go near.

Good bastard material includes the hammer, itching power, toothpaste, shaving cream, darts and whoopee cushions. You'll have to experiment to find the best way of using these. The umbrella isn't all that useful. Opening it indoors turned my Ade sprite into a tree, though whether that was meant to happen is anyone's guess!

I was looking forward to being a complete bastard, but it turned out to be a complete disappointment.

Be a real complete bastard - don't buy it.