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In case your mother never told you, a word of advice. Avoid Blue Stilton and pilchard sandwiches. Especially with Tabasco. In a fit of boredom, I concocted just such a snack, and settled down to watch Fire Fox on the old video.

Having consumed said comestibles, I started to nod off. I awoke with a start, not in the living room but at the controls of a Mk IV Haddock, the deadliest helicopter ever built. Hooked out of the window, Below me was a steaming, stinking swamp where thick bubbles of noxious gas belched to the surface and lazily plopped open.

Stifling thoughts of British Rail coffee, I reached for the radio. "Hello Control", I shouted, "what's going on?". The voice crackled back: "Don't let us down now. See that compound in the distance, with the high fence? That's a top secret research station, where Professor Fay K . Germanaccent has been developing a new type of clone.

"You have to rescue the clones and return them to the Clone Transporter on the other side of' the swamp".

"Is that all?" I gasped, still thinking of BR catering. "No, of course not", said the radio. It cackled horribly and continued: "Some of the professor's other experiments have escaped to the swamp, and just happen to have a helicopter phobia. They'll attack you on sight."

"Thank God I'm in a Haddock", I sighed. "Don't sigh too soon", Control giggled, "All you've got is bombs. We've disabled the lasers, guns, cannon and anything else that might help you. You're doomed. DOOMED! Hahahahahaha!".

Control had never been the same since we'd slipped him that ginseng cigarette...

I was on my own. Looking through my bomb sights I saw what looked like psychedelically coloured eggs rising up towards me. I thumbed the bomb release button, and watched the monsters die unborn in a cloud of chromatic coruscations. The fence loomed. Handed the chopper. and noticed that the electricity in the fence scared away the Things from the Swamp.

Somewhat relieved, I opened the door as a clone plodded towards the craft. It hopped in, and I took off, swinging in a tight arc towards the thick air above the morass, Halfway across, a swarm of monsters attacked from above_ My God, I thought. They look just like plastic ducks. But the gleam in their eyes was most un-ducklike,

Somehow I managed to avoid them and put the chopper into the clone transporter. The clone bumbled out, and I was faced with another journey across that deadly bog.

The rest of the mission faded into a blur until I realised that my time was up. A host of evil, multicoloured monsters hovered around, leering unpleasantly and humming the Crossroads theme tune. They made a dive for the copter and I span down, down, down,,.

I sat bolt upright in my armchair. The television hissed at me. It was two in the morning, and it had all been a cheese-induced nightmare. My stomach turned at the thought of that coffee. Still, hadn't Edgar Allen Poe made good use of drug-inspired trips?

Of course the modern equivalent of the horror novel is the budget computer game, and this had been pretty horrific. I dismissed the thought almost as soon as it crossed my mind. Nobody would buy that. I shrugged my shoulders, and went upstairs to bed.

The first practical helicopter was built by Igor I. Sikorsky in 1939. This fact is of considerably more interest than the tedious uninspired grot called Helichopper.

Even making the joystick work is almost impossible as you have to go to the redefine keys section and use the cursor keys to make the definitions, and the snappy loading tune can't mask the fact that this boring Amstrad game was once a boring Spectrum game.

Just 'cos it's difficult to play doesn't make it fun, Firebird. It might cost a mere two quid, but compared to the latest Mastertronic offerings it seems grossly overpriced.

Firebird must be planning another Don't Buy This compilation buy of the worst software they have had submitted. Unfortunately the duplicators screwed things up and packaged this one as a real Firebird game.

Nigel described the game as a "fright simulator", but I would describe it as crap, because I'm not as subtle as he is. You may complain that this review doesn't actually tell you much about the game but that's because we didn't want to bore you as much as Helichopper did us.

Another Firebird creation that plays music while it loads. Flash, but not as pleasant as Spikey Harold. Once inside, it is very definitely a budget game.

Flog this for more than a couple of quid and you'd be lynched. After the loading music and dissolving title screen, the lack of sound effects and measly graphics really hits you.

On several occasions I swear that the little man I rescued just didn't want to get off the helicopter, no matter how white the landing pad got. Very definitely a cheapy from Firebird.