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Being a footballer isn't all transfer fees and blazers. Vigorous gym work has to be done to increase strength and stamina. Press ups, squat thrusts, weight lifting and monkey-bar routines are all part of a balanced training regime.

After gym and a quick shower it's out to the training field, there to sharpen up the reflexes.

A slalom section is for the close-in dribbling work, and should be completed at top speed. There is a goalie at the end just to make things realistic.

The long distance shooting skills are catered for by penalty shootouts through tyres hung in the goalmouth.

This is really a bonus stage because it is only possible to get this far if you've got the ball past the keeper. Extra points are awarded for accuracy and speed.

The final section is the ultimate test of coordination, Gremlin calls it Ball Juggling, but most folks know it as Keepy Uppies.

There is a pretty loading screen and a groovy tune accompanied by a very long scrolling message. The in-jokes are probably not funny if you know what they're about they are definitely not funny otherwise.

The game has one very, very tiny fault. The press-ups section is totally impossible. As this is the first section, and you can't go on without completing it, you can't get anywhere with the game.

After paying all that license money, you would have thought Gremlin could have playtested it.

Do not buy this game - that term is used loosely - unless you have to get rid of money for tax reasons. You certainly won't be able to play it. A real bummer for Gremlin. Tough luck, chaps.