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Doesn't it just fill your heart with gladness to see the BBC spending your licence fee on packing a big mansion with irritating stage school rejects, then encouraging them to ponce about destroying classic songs for weeks on end? Call us cynical, but we'd rather wee that money straight down the drain and get the rats in the sewers to put on a show than sit through another dismal performance by Peter 'I Want To Be Mick Jagger But Don't Have Any Discernible Talent' Brame and his ex-classmates. It's almost enough to make you pine for Sneddon...

All of which virtiol adds up to the ideal state of mind for reviewing a Fame Academy game, we're sure you'll agree. Good job then that, to quote 'headmaster' Richard Park, "it's just really, really poor". First off, why make a dancing game based on a series dedicated to singing talent? Sure, the students are taught to be all-round performers, but they certainly aren't judged on dancing ability - if that were the case they'd all have been expelled after a fortnight. And if you're going to the trouble of making a Fame Academy game that's released after the series has ended, why not try and include at least some of the students/teachers/presenters?

We don't particularly want to see Kielty being unfunny in pixelated form, or Alex moping about in full motion-captured misery, but for fans of the show (who the hell else is going to buy this?) a touch of authenticity would've added at least some extra appeal. As it is, the only real links to the series are the opening credits and a replication of the studio. Cheers then!

Now let's drip some gameplay bile on the dancefloor. Rehearsal mode consists of five lessons with the Fame Academy teachers and acts as an ultra-basic tutorial for playing the full game. Multiplayer enables you to take it in turns or go head-to-head in a dance-off with a mate (although they won't be your friend for long if you make 'em play this bobbins!). And, finally, there's the main career mode. After choosing from a selection of ten fictional students, each with an individual profile and musical style (Glamour, Teen, Urban, Zen or Rock), you compete across seven rounds of dancing to see how wins that lucrative recording contract - or throwaway congratulatory paragraph of text in this case. And that's yet lot. There's no interaction between the characters, and no attempt to create any tension with the threat of eviction. You just boogie to seven tunes and finish the game within half an hour. That's a piss-poor amount of gaming for your money, even if it's only £20.

Admittedly, any game that involves fooling around on a dancemat isn't exactly fun-free, and there's a decent selection of cheesy tunes ranging from Ce Ce Peniston's Finally to the codpiece-tastic Word Up by Cameo. But Fame Academy is such a tired, limited piece of cack cash-innery that it makes Pop Idol seem like a veritable masterwork. A fair reflection of the shows themselves, really. You, the public, decide... but we'd have to advise immediate eviction.

Graphics 40%
Ugly, angular visuals but smooth animation.

Sound 60%
Decent range of licensed tuned. Thankfully, no Ainslie.

Gameplay 40%
Dance on a mat or press a joypad for seven rounds.

Lifespan 20%
Shorter than a Fame Academy graduate's career.

Overall 30%
Abysmal, clueless version of a horrible TV series interpreted through the medium of dance. Avoid.