So. You're in a nightclub. But the nightclub is alarmingly similar to your front room. The resident DJ has a selection of just fifteen tracks for you to dance to. Except one of them is the Cheeky Girls. And another is Toploader. Make that thirteen tracks and two visits to the bar. Problem is, your feet are nailed to the dancefloor and you can only bust moves via exaggerated arm movements. And, to cap it all, instead of looking at girls' bums as they gyrate with the resident Alpha male, you're forced to look at a mirror image of yourself making stupid, pathetic arm movements. All night.

That's a really cynical approximation of EyeToy: Groove. Consider the selling point flaunted by Sony when it was first announced. "It's like a dancemat game. But without the mat." Now forgive us for being pernickety but isn't that just the faintest bit silly? How many people dance using only their arms, unless they're some kind of rhythmical retard? When you move around on a dancemat you use your legs. Like real dancing.

Apparently, after some form of scientific playtesting, Studio London ascertained that of all the mini-games featured in EyeToy: Play, Beat Freak was the favourite. EyeToy: Groove is Beat Freak Mk II with fifteen licensed tracks spanning from Sister Sledge to Junkie XL and The Isley Brothers. You move your arms in time to the beat and hit one of six 'rhythm zones' on the screen as an icon moves out from the centre. As well as semaphore-style pointing, there are a few new moves - the 'wave', where you move your arms in an arc motion between two zones, and the self-explanatory 'pose' and 'swipe'.

But these moves are just so unnatural. We've all played "big fish, little fish" and "made boxes" while dancing, but we've never seen anyone successfully pulling off the 'wave' move (with both arms) in a discotheque without getting their head punched in. You don't need to take our word for it because during games of EyeToy: Groove, the PS2 snaps pictures and video footage of you mid dance. "Arrgh, who is that idiot with his stupid Mr. Tickle hands?" you'll curse as you replay the footage before trying to lay into the TV screen...

We don't mean to be unkind. Kids will love it, depending on how long their attention lasts. Slightly older girls, still in their teenybopper phase, will enjoy constructing their own dance sequences using the customisation option, before inflicting them on exasperated parents. Tactless men will buy it for the girlfriend, point at the calorie counter mode with a knowing wink and then feel the back of her hand. Truth is, people will find joy in Groove simply because it's EyeToy. It's granny dancing at Christmas. It's Sister Sledge and Madonna. It's the Cheeky Girls. It's your uncle trying to explain how it works. It's The Sun trying to review a game. It's PS2 for the masses.

Problem is, Groove isn't a game per se. It's an add-on. It's fifteen extra songs and three extra modes for Beat Freak. That's why we're having trouble getting excited about it. Sorry. We need more inventive ideas for the EyeToy - not just a bandwagon ride on the dancemat scene. If we're going to make fools of ourselves for the camera again, we need a good reason.

Graphics 50%
Depends how dapper you're looking that day.

Sound 80%
More tracks would have been welcome!

Gameplay 60%
Unable to effectively challenge a dancemat game.

Lifespan 50%
Technically, it expands the lifespan of Beat Freak.

Overall 60%
It's EyeToy for God's sake, and thou shalt not kick it in. But... it's not the best use for the cam we've seen yet!