Want to see a really bad game? We've got a doozy for you...

No. No to everything. No, it's not good, no you shouldn't buy it, no no no. Would we like to tell you more? No. Yet, because it would leave an ugly white space and give our prod ed a heart murmur, we can't leave this blank. Ex Zeus is a 3D shooter but you're locked in two dimensions - up/down, left/right - while the scenery passes by in a blur. Not because it's moving fast, but because it's blurry. Every object is ugly, misshapen and stupid. Your robot flickers around in a way almost designed to cause epileptic fits, and that's just when it's paused. We haven't seen anything like it since we played a PSOne game.

The story utterly fails to explain why aliens attack in lines down streets and tunnels, though end-of-level bosses provide a break from dull button bashing with some slightly duller button bashing. Movement is sluggish and boss arenas are tiny - and, to make matters worse, boss attacks are idiotic and drab. Robot design is the lazy strong-but-slow, weak-but-fast(ish) theory of antiquity. Is this really running on a PS2 We strongly suspect that our record player has the power too run this filthy game.

The ridiculous £20 price might be a possible (yet weak) argument if it wasn't for the obviously secret phenomena of 'second-hand-games', where quality can be acquired for the same money. So no. Talk to the fist. No. And just for the sake of balance... no.

Graphics 20%
Basic, crayon-level ugliness.

Sound 30%
Your own weeping overpowers all.

Gameplay 10%
We looked, but we couldn't find any!

Lifespan 10%
No.

Overall 10%
Ex Zeus is an ugly, boring, stupid button basher. If you want old-skool shooting, try Gradius. Christ. We can hardly sleep for grief.