"Yes, we made Track And Field, don't you know," Konami would possibly say at a party, basking in the knowledge that a version of their legendary button-bashing sports title has graced almost every format since it first appeared in the arcades 19 years ago. It's probably responsible for RSI among thirtysomething males. Well, for most cases.

But if you then tried to put them on the spot by asking how they got from that sports classic to this tragic video game episode of Winter Olympicry, once your back was turned to pick up a pork pie, they'd almost certainly be escaping through the toilet window.

Snowy slopes are a great place to play - as Amped showed, it can make for some really satisfying gaming. ESPN Winter Sports' take on the slopes, however, is dreadful. Take the slalom skiing, for example. Control is plain rubbish, taking an event that hinges on gracefully looping together turns and making you skid awkwardly down the courses, weaving jerkily through each flag checkpoint.

The Bobsleigh is equally terrible, as you bump around the icy tube with no finesse, skill or fun. It even features turbo chevrons, just (not) like in the real thing. Maybe this is what a turd feels like as it careers out of control round the U-bend towards the sewers.

Speed Skating is an average bit of button-bashing action, Curling is alright if basic (much like the real thing), and Moguls (freestyle skiing over a series of bumps) is just a passable rhythm-building exercise.

The most enjoyable events, Snowboarding and Figure Skating, are the ones where control is taken away from you, and you're reduced to a game of Simon Says. With Snowboarding, you input a sequence of button presses just before catching some air to pull off a trick, and Figure Skating is a fairly cool take on arcade dancing games, where you press the directional-pad in time with the on-screen prompts.

The enjoyment you get from these, though, has nothing at all to do with the respective sports, and goes to show just how hollow and empty a game this really is.

Two bearable events are not enough to justify recommending this game, and the fact that it's for such a Powerful console makes the whole package all the more shocking. Devoid of any thought, balance and pleasure, ESPN Winter Sports is a triple-A title - atrocious, awful and awkward. What could have been a yummy lemon Slush Puppie turns out to be nothing but a horrifyingly acrid mouthful of slightly melted yellow snow.

1. Figure skating is pretty good fun

1. Scrappy control methods
2. Zero fun for all the family
3. Downhill skiing is miserably bad (and so is bobsleigh)

Power
Simple visuals and terrible controls don't push Xbox, just the patience of those who play it.

Style
Bland sports fare. Bad music, dull competitors, funky replays and spandex suits come as standard.

Immersion
None. It's as deep as your living room carpet, and as much fun as cleaning a toilet with your finger.

Lifespan
Plenty of Olympic medal-chasing at first, but the shallow events will swiftly quash your quest for gold.

Summary
A pathetic effort at a sports anthology title. It's a game stuck firmly in the Ice Age.