No, not a collection of all the totally pointless footie questions Emlyn has been asked on A Question Of Sport. This is, in fact, my favourite budget kick-a-stuffed-pig's-bladder-'em-up thrill. It's ten times better than being dressed in shorts and a skimpy T-shirt then running around the school playing fields aimlessly trying to avoid clashes with Slogger Stimson. And 27 times better than suddenly being hit on the head by a ball from nowhere, falling in the frozen mud and never getting picked to be on Gazzer Evans' team again.

If EHIS [Sounds like a rival to the James Pond fan club to me - Ed] was a professional footie player it'd be poached by the Italians even if it had a smashed knee. Get it before BSKYB does.