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Quicksilva are being remarkably reticent about their latest weapon in the war against software piracy. Stunningly effective, yet so simple it's surprising no-one thought of it sooner. In Death Wake, Quicksilva have managed to produce a game that is so boring no-one in their right mind would want to copy it.

A battle simulation straight out of WWII, the objective is to penetrate the enemy's defences and blow up their atom bomb factory. First you must complete the air assignment phase. A map shows the location of your and the enemy bases. You can mount an attack on any enemy bases from up to three of your own.

Having made the strategic decision as to which bases you will attack pressing the scramble button causes three little puffs of smoke to appear on the map, thus putting the enemy bases out of action for a while. The computer/enemy then does the same to your bases. If this sounds the slightest bit exciting then I've been overgenerous in my description of it.

Now it's time for the torpedo planes. Your battleship, The Undaunted, sits at the left of the screen flanked by two escorts. Three torpedo planes appear at the right and approach The Undaunted, as you shoot at them. They drop their torpedoes and, with a nimble flick of the joystick (it doesn't really have to be that nimble) you swerve out of the way. This goes on for about two minutes, then it's back to air assignment, which appears after each arcade screen.

Next up are the torpedo boats which you must fire at before they fire at you. A bit more difficult than the planes, but no less boring. After nothing bash at the air assignment, mines. The mines scroll on from the left and you steer The Undaunted out of the way. The battleships which follow are refitted torpedo boats and the bombers are identical to the torpedo planes, except they go on for ever.

At this point I switched channels on the TV. It was The Monday Matinee - The Spanish Gardener with Dirk Gogarde. A slushy sentimental job with Dirk as the gardener who forms a friendship with his boss's son and ends up in the nick on account of being framed by the jealous butler. Not really my kind of film, but a million times more enjoyable than playing Death Wake. [Er, thanks Ken, we reckon anything with Dirk in, it's OK - Ed]