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Would you prefer getting blown to bits or picked up by the fuzz (ooer)? In Crime Wave, if you're evil enough to kidnap the US President's daughter while she's on the toilet then it's all you deserve, according to our vigilante hero Luke. With all niggly questions of morals out of the way, let the carnage begin in this glorious tale of liberty, democracy and the preservation of safety in toilets.

The year is 1995. An organised crime syndicate has taken over a large number of cities. Drugs, Murder and Extortion are tightening their grip over the good people of America. But this time, the mob have gone too far. They've kidnapped Brittany Cole, the President's daughter. What's more, she's a bit of all right! Luke can stay silent no longer. With tottie at stake, the situation demands immediate action. A softly-softly approach is needed, and above all stealth and diplomacy. Unfortunately, Luke is into mindless violence with a rocket launcher and machine gun.

Spurred on by his trousers, Luke consults his computer - his suspicions are confirmed, the President's daughter is definitely a bit of all right. He also discovers that an old adversary is master-minding these stains on the sheets of justice, a ganglang boss known only as King Pin. But first, a small-time hood has been linked to the kidnapping...

Crime Wave is a horizontally-scrolling shoot-'em-up. You play Luke, the man with a death-wish who intends to rid the city of King Pin and all his vile minions. Armed only with a machine gun, a rocket launcher and a very funny walk, Luke struts his way through level and level of bloodshed, picking up energy, ammo and extra lives along the way.

All the while, King Pin's hoods stand in your way. Don't worry, a couple of missiles soon shifts them. Limbs, bullets and blood fill the screen as Luke makes his inevitable progress from left to right.

After a while, Luke dies. This isn't too surprising if you consider Bird meets Bernard Matthews' vision of bloodshed. The intro scenes are good, with some nice animated touches, but don't let this fool you.

A truly awful game, dragged out of the 20 percent range by the amusing nature of the graphics. Sure the screenshots look great, but that's as far as it goes. Crime Wave is just further proof that concentrate on the game itself rather than the fancy packaging.