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If there's one thing 'plus bizarre que' French games, it's German games. Even more confusing are German games where the entirety of the instructions are in German. Such a game is Crime Time, creating what you might think a sizeable problem to be skilfully tackled by your cheery reviewer. But, as luck would have it, because last year I was incredibly keen to eliminate Russian, Latin, Greek and Technical Drawing (with Mr. Wooley - bleeurgh) from my life if I possibly could, guess who opted to take German GCSE? Once again, the day is heroically saved. (Don't worry though - the versions you play will be in English. Hopefully.)

So what happens? Well, you assume the part of a large red cabbage called Simon who has to go into space to buy a new teapot for his Granny. Or you do in my translation of the plot. But the story disk (Thankfully in English!) has different ideas, and from what I can gather you are in fact out to prove that you are not guilty of a nearby murder, with the cabbage and the teapot obviously appearing in more of a sub-plot. This takes place as an icon-driven arcade adventure, sort of like Monkey Island or Cruise For A Corpse. And that's the problem. Crime Time is far inferior to Cruise For A Corpse and, as such, shares with every other clone from here onwards the fate of being slagged off into oblivion.

Technically speaking there is nothing wrong. Gameplay is deep and puzzley, the scene-setting, hand-drawn graphics are taken from interesting perspectives (Mr. Wooley would approve), the digitised sound effects are, well, digitised (including a great toilet flush), and there's humour, although inevitably losing a little something in translation (such as the jokes).

But, to tell the truth, it just isn't a patch on the Delphine games. And on-screen character, bits of animation, interactable graphics; none of these can be found in Crime Time. It's back to clicking on NORTH, SOUTHEAST icons to move about, and accomplishing tasks by selecting USE from one list then KNIFE and ON WRISTS from subsequent lists often resulting in an infuriating 'No' or 'That will not be necessary' response. The dated feel of it will send shivers down even the most open-minded gameplay's spine. Crime Time isn't just a step but a giant leap backwards from the 1991 standard of games, and should be avoided at all costs. In fact, don't even play it for free.

A hideously dated, unoriginal adventure romp that has little going for it. At £26? No thanks.