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"First Gobliiins and now Catch 'Em. Dear God, what have I done to deserve this?" laments David Upchurch

Eeee, there's trouble at t' Zoo. The wily chimps have managed to pick the locks on their cages in the Monkey House and have let out all the other apes. As the sneaky simians sneaked out of the Zoo's gates, the careless caretaker on duty, our hero Jeff, was too busy reading the sports pages in the newspaper to notice.

It's only later, long after the monkeys have disappeared, that Jeff realises they've gone. Fearful for the safety of his job after such gross incompetence, he leaps into his little van and tootles off in pursuit of the hairy escapees. By time time he tracks the down they've scattered all over the place - into the city, into the woods and down the mines - and are on the rampage, clambering up and down ladders, running along platforms, throwing dangerous banana skins on the floor and generally causing havoc.

The scene is thus set for a platform romp of the highest order - nottt! Catch 'Em is trying to be like Lucasfilm's Night Shift, i.e. lots of to-ing and fro-ing as you attempt to keep your head above water, but it's nowhere near the quality of that game, being an ill-thought-out, frustratingly unplayable and frighteningly ugly affair.

You can read the rest of the review to find out precisely why it's so bad if you want, but if you want to take my advice you'll make your excuses and leave for the next page ASAP.

I tried to find good things to say about Catch 'Em, you know. I really did. But, try as I might, I couldn't - the game defies all attempts at exhibiting even a glimmer of quality.

On an aesthetic level alone Catch 'Em appals. The graphics lacks variety and the garish colour scheme makes it hard to pick out some of the more critical hazards in the game, such as the banana skins on the platforms.

While the music is bearable there's a serious lack of atmosphere-building sound effects. Then there's the game's design - it's flawed at its most basic level. Walking back and forth, carrying equipment or captured monkeys from A to B to A again is simply not fun and - playability flaws aside - it's not that difficult either.

Given the game's comprehensive password system, it's not going to take that long for a competent player to finish the game. However, the worst has been saved until last. What really makes Catch 'Em the pig it is is its sheer unplayability - the game's riddled with it. Most heinous of all is the way it's all to easy to get trapped in one of those maddening 'death loops', where all you can do is sit back and watch, powerless, as Jeff pratfalls endlessly on a series of banana skins or keeps getting beaten up by the same burly gorilla.

I thought this sort of bad game design went out of fashion along with bell-bottom jeans. A certified turkey, and it's not even Xmas.