There's nothing wrong with updating an age-old gaming franchise, but you have to start edging towards the nearest emergency exit when the source material's only redeeming feature was that lots of people got it for free, as was the case when Altered Beast first appeared as a pack-in game with Sega's creaky Mega Drive.

What's most shocking about Altered Beast isn't the tremendous sea of blood and guts on offer - it's not so much a bloodbath as a blood jacuzzi. No, what's most shocking about this restatement of Altered Beast is that, in theory, it's the kind of game that an esteemed games outlet such as Sega often excels at - taking a simple idea, masterfully running with it and making it into some kind of sex. But if Altered Beast was ever featured in the Kama Sutra,it would be called #547: The Letdown, and be illustrated by an ugly man crying in a shadowy corner with his tool at half mast, while his partner feverishly bites herself to death.

This beat-'em-up's biggest attraction is the basic thrill of tearing your way through crowds of identical fiends and getting to do so while in the throes of savage monsterism. In terms of actually realising that likeable-enough blueprint though, Altered Beast is about as successful as a paper bag in a boxing ring. Despite featuring a lengthy combo system - with more moves being unlocked as you get your hands gorier - it never feels like it's even approaching something enjoyable. It's not satisfying, it's the wrong kind of messy, and the joy-per-kill quotient is probably at an all-time low for videogames.

Altered Beast also fancies itself as a bit of an adventure game, but the sensation of atmosphere and the score for exploration has already been embarrassingly trounced by Castlevania and many others. The bosses are very probably more annoying to put up with than the ones you're currently working for. And those beast transformation sequences. Oh, the sequences.

There's nothing wrong with Altered Beast's aims, but the execution has turned out hellishly dull and about as engaging as debt. The spirit may be willing, but the flesh is crippled, especially in comparison to such established riot-'em-ups as Dynasty Warriors, Samurai Warriors, Chaos Legion, Devil May Cry... the list is long, and these games are cheaper to buy then this. Ignore, avoid, return to sender - whatever. Just don't buy it.

Graphics 40%
Lots of enemies, but ugly as rotten apples.

Sound 50%
Occasionally good. Terrible battle music.

Gameplay 30%
Combo variety or not, it's a clunky trudge.

Lifespan 30%
Really, does it matter? No.

Overall 30%
Drab at best, Altered Beast does nothing you've not seen plenty of times before, and it does it rather badly. A true monster.