High-kicking, knicker-flashing terror in a boob tube
You know the story. Girl grows up, girl becomes devastatingly good looking, girl gets talked into working for secret government agency, girl leaves secret government agency, girl joins new secret government agency, girl learns the first secret government agency was run by bad guys. Girl fights bad guys. It happens to all of us at some time or another doesn't it? Only, for poor Sydney Bristow, they turned her high-kicking escapades into something of a farce. It's got 'stealth' written all over it, but you could be as discreet as a burst balloon, it doesn't really matter.
All the ingredients of stealth are included, but then just discarded on a whim. There are the whispered hints from HQ, wall hugging, pipe shimmying, warnings about using stealth attacks, yet, despite this you can storm in all guns blazing and never really break a nail. Alarms can be triggered, cameras can spy you, and trip wires can be tripped, but it never once hinders your mission. Stealth, it seems, acts as nothing more than a fancy dressing for what turns out to
be a standard beat-'em-up, but that's not to say the game isn’t without its merits.
Sydney, for all her charm, turns out to be quite a fighter, but that isn't too surprising. It's
evident the brains behind Alias don't have much contact with the fairer sex. Every costume is
designed to flash flesh, yet Sydney's physics make her look like a tottering drag queen. She's
a man in lady skin and fights like a Glaswegian.
It's quite satisfying for what is essentially button bashing. From a fistful of knuckles to high-kicking backflips, the way in which you dispatch bad guys is the main draw, especially when things
such as gadgets, plot, and pacing are incidental.
And that's how it goes on. From level to level, with incidental objectives guiding you through incidental missions, you kick and punch your way from save point to save point.
Occasionally you'll be confronted with an end-of-level boss, but this just seems to be a regular
grunt who has learned the complicated task of handling two weapons at once.
And the plot? As we said, it becomes secondary, but word has it that it's straight off the back of the forthcoming series. So, if you want to delve into a spoiler zone big enough to swallow light, then be our guest, just make sure you bring a big bag of violence and leave your brain on the doorstep. It's utter guff, but there are far worse things you can do in a pair of stilettos.