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ICE probably thinks that I've got a 'thing' against it, because it's only released one game which I think is any good - Mean Arenas. But, believe it or not, I was willing Akira to be good - I really was - and it's as much of a disappointment to me that Akira's a big pile of doggy plops, as I'm sure it will be to ICE.

Mean Arenas proves that a game can succeed despite having poor graphics. Where Akira falls down, though, is that despite appearing on the CD32, there are not only no graphics worth writing to you about, the sound is awful and the gameplay is worse than anything I've played.

The music is okay in its own way, but it's completely arse when applied to the harsh, futuristic storyline of Akira - consisting mainly of soft, lulling guitar twangs, whereas what we want are thumping, thundering power chords. Well, you know.

And I'm sure that a few samples from the film ("Kanedaaaaa!" springs to mind), would have not only been easy to implement, but very effective alongside the few bits of (admittedly, rather arse) digitised footage.

Considering what's possible, storage-wise, on a CD, it's incredible that the intro anim only lasts for a measly eight seconds!

The well-proportioned manual contains spelling errors even the most basic of spellchecking programs would pick up ('invisible', 'guards', 'recieve'), not to mention the constant misspelling of a major character. Is it Kaneda, Keneda or Kenada? ICE tried all three, presumably in the hope that one was correct.

And, most bottomingly of all, this bodged presentation also applies to the game. The usual practice of converting great feature films into boring, tedious platformers has reared its farty head once again - and this time it's fouler than ever. Don't get me wrong: I like a good platformer as much as the next bloke, but we're talking pre-Harlequin stuff here. In fact, you'd be forgiven for thinking it was pre-Manic Miner - no exaggeration.

I'm going stop this introduction now because I'm killing Akira before you've had chance to look at it properly; however, if you want to groove on down to a right royal slagging, I offer you... The Verdict!

I really don't know what to say. After last month's News stunt, in which we revealed ICE's fax asking us not to print a review of Akira unless we gave it over 80 percent, I'm sure that we haven't exactly made any new friends in its Stroud HQ. However, no amount of written diarrhoea ("we are totally convinced of its quality, graphic style and gameplay") could possibly have prepared us for the unprecedented, ring-stinging, evil stain from Satan's own hot pants, that is Akira.

We've seen the appalling Last Action Hero, the travesty that was Prey: An Alien Encounter, and the trouser-molestingly poor International Rugby Challenge (where both human players had to use the same joystick!). But, compared to Akira, they are just the sweetest smelling undies the Amiga Fairy ever wore.

ICE has managed to convert a visually stunning, atmospheric film with a huge, worldwide cult following, into a pastel-coloured Arseington Town of a platformer.

It deserves credit, yes, for attempting to mix in some Scramble-style sections - but because they are just as cack, if not, er, 'cackier', than the platformy bits, any words of praise would turn to turds in my mouth.

Even the intro and cut sequences, real-time digitised directly from the feature film, are poorly done: whoever recreated these painfully pale images obviously doesn't know the meaning of the word Contrast.

The worst thing, though, is not that Akira looks cheap and nasty, but that it is unbelievably shoddy too: surely anybody with a copy of AMOS and half an eye for gameplay could come up with something better than this. Akira is a perfect example of the type of 'game' which I thought had become extinct on the Amiga: the cash-in.

All I can do is try and prevent you from buying it. So, despite the fact that it has already been released, here's my contribution to what should rightly become an effective hate campaign in all the Amiga press. Uncle Andy says: "Please don't buy Akira".

£24.99 is the price you'd pay for a floppy version. If you wanted one. But you probably won't, unless it's distinctly different from the CD32 one. Which it probably isn't. D'oh!