The amazing opener comes from Dominic Ford. Is there any limit to this man's imagination? He has also written one for EUG #32.

I now have a fax machine so anyone wanting to send me a fax can do so. The number is the same as my telephone number.

When I first got it, I found that I couldn't plug my own phone into it because the socket was a USA-style one. I bought an adaptor from the Maplin shop. Unfortunately, while my phone worked, it wouldn't ring. I phoned the Cannon helpline and was told that the adaptor I needed was an exclusive Cannon part. It is identical to a standard USA to BT adaptor but is wired differently. It also cost twice as much.

I had a lot of trouble working through the manual. It was obviously written in another language and translated into English by someone who doesn't know English. Anyway, I now have it working and it works very well.

One of the items on this EUG's menu is a listing purely of procedures that I have compiled from a huge number of disks donated mostly by schools and the like. They had a variety of programs on them: some are interesting, some mundane. Some of the disks were blank.

I have been working through some of these disks trying to extract any interesting programs or procedures from inside programs. I really can't handle them all. If anyone would like some to work through and use anything which might be of interest then please do write in. If you find anything which might be of interest to EUG then you can send it in. If you get through one pile then write again and I will send you some more.

Important! These disks are all 5.25" 40 Track and DFS. Unless your drive can read 40 Track, please don't ask because any contents will be lost.

If you can use this format then please do ask. They're beginning to breed. They're everywhere. I'm surrounded by disks. I think they're talking about me.

Recently, I received a pile of vouchers in the post to buy the Daily Telepgraph every day for only 10p. I tried it for a few weeks and I must say I found it to be a depressing, predictable paper.

I decided to write to the Editor and typed a letter on my word processor. As it was printing out, the printer locked up just as it was printing my name so the letter was signed "A. Donn". I sent it anyway.

Less than five days later I got a telephone call. "Mr Donnachaidh, would you like double glazing?"

"No," I replied.

A few minutes later the same person called again.

"Mr Donn, would you like double glazing?"

The Daily Telegraph must have sold my name and address as soon as they received my letter. Talk about desperate!

I've said this before but it's worth repeating. EUG will never pass any details of any EUG member to anyone else without the express permission of the member concerned.

We have a number of new members. Phone me if you want. I always like talking on the phone. If I can't talk at that moment, I'll tell you and you can phone back.

I make mistakes. Please do point them out, especially when they concern your subscription.

The next EUG is due in June.