"Ah, Bond. 'M' here. You'll be pleased to hear we'd like you to redo three of your old missions in one go. Here's the details..."

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"Admittedly those damnable Hit Squad types offered you the chance to resample this adventure for only four pounds, but that's no reason to turn down this offer of ours.

"Here is the deal, James. We'll put you in a helicopter, fly you over a really blocky landscape and see how long you can survive before being shot out of the sky by bullets that you can barely see.

"If you survive that, you can wander around on the land a bit with a gunsight thing floating around in front of you, generally just trying to shoot things. Then you've got to try and jump from a helicopter to a plane. And then go for a swim. And then do a car chase.

"Got that? All right then, what do you say?"

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"This is the one I know you enjoyed, James. Whizzing about in that speedboat of yours, shooting things. All right, so you never actually managed to get past the first stage. You know, that practice stage where you frustratingly had to hit every single one of those targets, otherwise you couldn't actually go on the mission.

"Perhaps it might seem less than inviting to return to after all these years, but I'm sure you'll enjoy it the second time round as much as you would have done the first time round if you'd actually got anywhere.

"The mission involves helicopters, mines, big guns, and baddies in their boats. All sorts really, with your little boat in the middle of it all, of course.

"Ah, can't you just feel that sea breeze now...?*

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"Quite a recent one this, James, as far as the joystick side of things is concerned. Some submarines have gone missing or something like that, as a result of which you're going to have to chase around all over the place, as if you were part of some crap ZX81 game.

"You'll remember no doubt that it involves driving a tiny car along a bending road, knocking bollards and pensioners aside, and cussing every time the car spins out of control and into a tree for no good reason.

"Of course, if you get far enough you can then do the same thing in a boat. And if you progress even further still you can, er, do it with the car again. I know you didn't really enjoy this much the first time, Bond, but I'm sure you'll see it in a new light now."

The games have dated a darned sight better than the films, if you ask me. They're OK, but only for a wet Wednesday afternoon.

"Er, actually I'd rather stay at home and watch Newsnight, M."

Adam Peters