How do you start a review of a 30-game compilation? Waffle inanely about value for money? Make rude jokes about size not being everything? Tell the world above Steve's embarrassing misdemeanour with a jelly baby? Oh hang it, let's get on with the reviews!

A fast-moving horizontal racer with shoot-'em-up elements. You can't watch the main screen as the road map requires your full attention, which is a pain. The best thing about it is the speech, and that's appalling!

One bad apple indeed, with putrid Spectrummy graphics and gameplay that's lacking in all departments. Surely space exploration's more fun than this...!

A small arrow moves around a screen, with 'tankish' things moving as well. It can be summed up in one word - awful.

I didn't think this US sport involved little men and little options, but according to this, it does! Shoulder-charging action has never looked so padless.

After waiting several long minutes for this game to sort itself out, I then endured more mindless moments wondering who created this solidifying strategy. Garish, banal, hunks of nothing.

Take part in gambling games with this trip down the casino. The players shake the dice, unaware that their innocent acts look quite obscene. Counting grains of sand at Bournemouth is more inspiring.

An adventure game with graphic landscapes display. Nothing fresh, but adventurers will be contented.

When I was a tiny tot, I had a little paddling pool. I'd sit in it throughout the cold British Summer, with flies drowning all around me. It wasn't particularly amusing but after playing Agent Orange, I feel an urge to turn back time and forget this compilation ever existed.

The Stone Age is where this basic blast belongs. The enemy craft move too quickly to shoot, and the planet below blockily vibrates.

What in the name of Spectrum is this? A truly terrible platform jumper, that's what. Sickening control leads to inevitable deaths, making it one big shipment of dog dilemmas.

Teams of spies trek across a board similar to Ludo's, but unless I'm mistaken Ludo is far superior.

This collection's a race to see which game's the worst. This is a soccer effort, and my, it revels in being bad. Each player ambles around like a decapitated sloth and the goal attempts are the poorest I've ever seen in a computer opponent perform! After one go, you'll be resetting the C64 for sure.

Could this be a good blasting game? Nope, thought not. Stage one is okay, if crudely designed, with the rest being a Defender clone. Believe me, Defender's a lot better.

Use Fred to paint walls and bowl balls to please his Missus.

My fingers twitch in frenzied excitement - at last, something playable! It's pretty cool actually, and is by far the best in the pack. Lots of player involvement make it a blazer of a golfing sim.

Tiresome plane-blasting with colours that would put a hallucinating tramp's vomit to shame.

On my first visit to an arcade I was sad enough to try my luck at Shuttlepuck. Xeno reminded me of that old game. I didn't like it then and I don't like it now.

The problem with a general knowledge quiz on a computer is that the questions soon become dated and familiar. Quizzical games provide small amounts of enjoyment but when the same questions are repeated, boredom soon sets in.

Walking along and shooting. That's Terramex for you. Oh, add the words "unoriginal, unsightly and unimaginably poor", and throw in a sarcastic comment about the title sounding like a brand of ready-made concrete.

Instead of scoring goals, you're saving them. If you think this is a ragged game you'll be half correct. I know Mr. Shilton's getting on in life, but his dives never look this bad on the television!

Build an army of robots and scout around buildings with guns at the ready. It's only average, but it urinates over most of this doomed compilation.

Collect rubbish from houses and avoid the hazards of daily life along the way. It's very difficult to complete a level within the time allotted, so prepare for loads of angered shouting.

Ride a bike which transforms into a glider - if you can find the bike amidst the green monochrome graphics! Acceptable in its day, but wrinkles are really starting to show.

Dodgy graphics and unappealing slowness. It's rather tacky and fails to wet my palette.

This is the first of Fred's outings and although the graphics are colourful and cartoonish, it plays like a dead mole.

A nicely presented strategy/arcade jaunt, but by no means engrossing. The best bit is jousting with knights, yet even this only entertains for a short period of time.

Chris: Miles, is there any hope for this game?
Miles: No.

Vertical vertigo in the form of a shoot-'em-up. The sprites are foul, there's a severe lack of power-ups and the same enemies constantly reappear, making one sour serving of under-cooked pie.

A mind-pounding, joystick-breaking puzzle/arcade outing. Jumping cogs and being constantly killed isn't what I call pleasurable, but numerous humans are sure to disagree. Certainly nothing to break the bounds of exhilaration.

At least you can laugh at this game. It may be dire and dismal, but watching a winged cow sprinting through the air's hilarious.

I always thought compilations were bargain buys, stuffed with games of outstanding quality. What was that word again? Quality! Hmmm, if only Grandslam had a dictionary...