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James Pond - secret agent Robocod - is not the fish he used to be. Once feared ocean-wide and licenced to gill, he led the most fintastic lifestyle imaginable. Sea-bedding the anenomes, overdoing it on the daphnia night after night - the world was his oyster. But such dissolute living does not go unpunished, gentle reader. The most dangerous scaled thing in brine was a laughable, belly-up has-been, ready for processing into tasty breadcrumbed fingers.

With this prospect in mind, JP's superiors decided to give him a long break and a chance to take port in the demanding 'Aquatic Games' - the nearest thing to Fishlympics for fin-tailed sports fanatics. The "games" consists of eight distinct events, each with a salty flavour of its own. Though they may seem ridiculous to land creatures like you and I, each tests the stamina and reflex skills of the masters of the undersea kingdom.

Running, jumping, trampolining and uni-cycling, yes, a line-up of disciplines to rival our own beloved Olympics. Some, like the 100m splash need a quick spurt of power, others take a full four minutes of dazzling skill to steal gold. James Pond, as students of fish-y-onomy realise, is not physically suited to every event so he has assembled four teams of assorted sea-types to take part. The excitement mounts... Can you handle it? Probably not since you've got fins, not fingers!

1. 100 Metre Splash
   The first event is a button basher from hell. Hammering the A and B buttons increases your speed, shown as an increasing red bar on screen. The nippy Fortesque Frog is your pacer, beat him and you're sure to qualify within the 17 second limit. Savour the enjoyment of blasting the bird out the wter as you whirl past, or perhaps if you act more considerately he could be a help.
2. Team Spirit
   James P is supported by the Aquabats, the other team members who take part in some of the events. There are four teams to pick from; each has members of similar ability and, strangely, on-screen they all look exactly the same. Be one of the 'Swamp Bay Splashers', led by Steve Clam; the 'Hilly Island Hoppers' with skipper Mickey O'Shell; 'Flappy's Flyers' dubiously captained by Flappy Macbeak; or the 'Deep Sea Dippers' who have Billy The Squid at the helm. Select one and revel in its poor-punning antics!
3. Feeding Time
   More strained scenarios here as you operate the limbs of Freddie Starr and his fish-feeding antics. The fish are popping up from under the pier, attracted by the sweets lowered on fishermen's hooks. Fred's 'sporting challenge' is to satiate the fishes' sweet-toothed urges with his own supply of candies. They then subside into the water, uncaught.
    
   Your supply of sweetmeats must be replenished regularly from the vending machines on the pier. Lose two fish and the game is 'a bogey'. To qualify, simply last the four minutes feeding frenzy.
4. Kipper Watching
   Take the role of Ceceelia the seal for this trial of tedium. She has to protect her snoozing brethren as they lie on the beach, whilst hails of bouncing beachballs descend. A smack on the head wakes the slumbering seal, another hit drives it off. Lose two seals and the rest depart in protest. Your only means of defence is to jump up and headbutt these offensive missiles out of harm's way, whilst grabbing the occasional angel fish that appears. Grab any threatening alarm clock which counts down - it wakes the entire party if it goes off! Survive four minutes, if you can, to qualify.
5. Bouncy Castle
   A chance for freestylers to step out with a four minute extravaganza on the sponge trampolines. James Pond himself shows his aerobatic skills by spinning backward and forward somersaults and spins. The event requires you to complete six each of the six combinations of moves, within the time limit. Extra style points are available for jumping between sponges and spinning the shells. A mysterious box offers a propellant bonus when landed on.
6. Hop, Skip And Jump
   More pummelling delights here to score in the triple jump. This simple and short event comes in three stages. First, the run up - gather as much speed as possible before jumping at the line. The second phase is the hop skip - still keep pressing those buttons to maintain power for the final lunge. Now an angle meter appears, rising towards the optimum 45 degrees. Pressing the jump button appropriately launches you to victory, and the sombreroed spectators.
7. Tour De Grass
   Awful punning title and all-round punishing event. The Tour de Grass is actually a quick one-way sprint on a unicycle. The fiendish control method involves rotating the joypad in a clockwise motion to imitate the 'cycling act'. All other realism is abandoned as the course takes you over pointy hills, jagged bumps and 'cute' rock bumps which slow you down. See it all within the 40 second allowance - or fail!

Oh, how my sides still ache from the intense, never-ending laughter brought on by playing Aquatic Games. Not, alas, laughing at the sparse 'humorous' touches (a shark on a unicycle, oh tee hee), but rather at the laughably empty and bland events.

Button-bashing went out with Combat School all those years ago, so why there is a sudden interest in resurrecting it is beyond me, especially as it yields no entertainment value whatsoever.

It's commonly thought that games of this ilk improve when played in a group. True enough, the one player mode is shockingly dismal, but Aquatic Games is actually worse when there are three or four people playing it. Mostly because the fish-feeding and Kipper Watching events are so very, very dull to sit through for up to quarter of an hour before you finally get your go - surely it couldn't have been too hard to include a selectable events tournament option? Even then, the simplistic and limited gameplay don't make the wait worthwhile. The programmers have attempted to liven things up with a few funnies, but these don't extend beyond the usual array of fish puns found in the first two James Pond games - fine in their place, but basing a whole game around them is the biggest joke of the lot.

Pond fans may be tempted by the sight of their hero, but anyone with more sense than money should save their cash for Splash Gordon, the proper sequel to Robocod, which is out soon.

I never found the James Pond malarkey that rib-tickling, and the thicker the jokes are laid on here, the shallower the actual game appears to be.

The Aquatic Games has provided some light relief in the office, but more for its shortcomings than its intended humour. Playing on your own I don't see this lasting the week. For a group of players, it may offer better value, but even Olympic Gold seems to have more design thought than this.

Why the clutch of overly long events? Four minutes on the Fish Feeding is a trial to undergo, and Kipper Watching is an excellent relaxant, all the way from alert to comatose before you're finally granted a pardon and allowed to finish.

The still graphics looked good when previewed, and they still are the game's best feature, but many of the backdrops are bland and poorly-animated (Kipper Watching again) and show how understretched the Megadrive and programmers are with this game. I don't think "more events, please" would be an unreasonable request considering how easy most are to master.

This is not as bad as it first boded to be, but will doubtless slip into the murky depths of undistinguished Megadrive games.

Joypad: 1
Game Difficulty: Easy
Continues: N/A
Skill Levels: 3
Responsiveness: Okay

Aquatic Games is the third title from Millennium featuring their secret agent fish James Pond.

Aquatic Games, featuring the secret agent fish - James Pond bears a close resemblance to many other sports games. Aquatic Games is supposedly a parody of the genre.

Presentation 75%
P. Up to four players and a practice mode.
N. You can't select events - a big oversight.

Graphics 83%
P. Brightly coloured, with some nice animated touches.
N. Nothing very innovative, and a feeling of flatness overall.

Sound 72%
P. Fishy tie-in tunes like 'Trout quintet'.
N. The poor arrangements might not draw any smiles, though.

Playability 58%
P. Multiple players make for communal torture.
N. Some events are boring, some frustrating - none are particularly fun to play.

Lastability 58%
P. The game records bests and there is room to improve performances.
N. Aquabatics reveals how shallow it is quite quickly, with not much to look forward to.

Overall 61%
If Robocod was the fillet, this is the fish-head. Nothing compared to its predecessor, the Aquatic Games is a dull sports game with a few feeble puns thrown in for good measure.