Oh yes, this is your chance to undress five of the horniest women on the face of this planet (and Maria Whittaker). Cover Girl Poker (or should that be "Poke Her" hawhah?) is the latest of a long time of attempted trouser-arousers to appear on the C64.

After you've chosen your mother tongue (from a list of four), you can pick (and slobber over) the six models. There's gorgeous Ginny, amazing Amanda, terrific Trine, marvellous Maria, stunning Sophia and juicy Jane [How fruity! - Ed]. Each selection is accompanied by a blurry black-and-white digitised photograph, a great turn on (I don't think).

So... choose an opponent and prepare to play five-card poker: the incentive to win is a sequence of (very blurry) digitised photos of your chosen model in various states of undress. But to get to that birthday-suit piccy that ends the game, you have to become a card shark.

The game is played to normal poker rules: five cards are dealt and each player bets loadsa cash. The worst hand contains only a High Card, slightly better is a Pair (Phwoah!), two Pairs, a Full House, a flush, a run, four-of-a-kind, etc. But you should really go for the ultimate: a Royal Flush.

As the foxy model's cash drops to zero, so does a layer of clothing. This continues until the final greenback is lost and she's in the buff (huff, huff, hyuck, hyuck, etc).

I've played a lot of these poker games in my time as a computer owner, and none of them have been any cop (especially bad was Maria Whittaker's Christmas Box). Let's face it, kids, you ain't likely to get very excited by a badly digitised, flickery screenshot. Even if your parents *did* see Maria Whittaker in the buff, they wouldn't be able to recognise the blobby mess as human, let alone a nude woman!

The poker game is fairly challenging, but even an amateur player like me managed to defrock all the models in a single two-and-a-half-hour sitting. And it wasn't worth it in the end, I was well miffed. Personally, I'd rather buy a pack of cards and play the game for real, or buy one of those magazines you find on the top shelf of the newsagents. My advice: keep your cash (and hands) in your pockets!

Ever wondered why 98% of Commodore gamers are male? A good, hard look at your software collection could well provide the answer - game after game casts men in the active, go-get-'em role and reduces women to a passive, decorative function.

Look at the presentation screens in games like Continental Circus, Ivan 'Iron Man' Stewart and Smash TV. Look at the plot for Double Dragon, where the big, butch males are sent to rescue the helpless female who does nothing but scream - is it really any wonder that home computing has become an all-male preserve?

Never is this more evident than in Cover Girl Poker. Sexist concept, lousy gameplay and some of the worst digitisation I've ever seen make the puerile excuse for a game every bit as bad as that offensive little rag 'The Daily Sport'. If some sexually frustrated dickhead wants to waste twelve quid on this tripe that's his problem, but I'm sure Zzap! readers will have more sense. 10%

Presentation 70%
Digitised close-ups of models' faces, neat title screen.

Graphics 25%
Badly digitised photos that you have to squint at.

Sound 75%
Decent title and in-tune to have a dance to.

Hookability 25%
Okay for a quicky game of cards... but that's all.

Lastability 12%
About as brief as all the models' clothing.

Overall 15%