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Buenos noches! Si. It ees i, Manuel Fernando Roderigo Santalucia Caramba Maracas - known as The Weevil - the beegest, baddest bandeet een Mehico! Ccchhobviously, eet ees I who was the obvious choice to review thees Spaghetti Western Simulator - ho yess, hi was een them all. Return hof a Man Called Greengo; Three Men, a Cchhorse and a Bucket; The Very Beeg Shoot-out; han' my best role, as the knitting bankrobber in The Hombre Weeth No Saddle.

Een the movies, eet ees roff an' toff; bounty hunter rides into town, we bandidos line up in the street, he shoots us all, end of film. But Santa Maria, thees game, eet is not like real life at all! Leesten, compadres; thees bountyhunter, Cleent Westband, he walk like a pregnant goat, left an' right, up an' down the screen; an' when he goes for hees gonn, hees quick-draw ees as slow as a fat farmer doin' the Mehican Hat Dance. An' he has to holster hees gon before he can walk on, wheech ees foolish.

Ccchhhokay, ees some nice details een the backgroun'; houses, adobe walls, shutters, doorways; bot what ees theees flyin' out of nowhere? Knives, bottles, dynamite, horseshoes, arrows; where they com from? Cleent, he shoot some, duck som, but they follow heem aroun' the screen, so they heet heem wherever he go! Ees bad enoff that he have to shoot diagonal-wise at gonmen een the weendows, an' avoid losin'dollars through shootin' innocent bystanders; bot thees theengs flyeen' thro' the air, ees jost too much.

Ol' Cleent, he got no chance onless he peeck up objects from the sidewalk. He have to squat down an peeck op dynamite to blow op bad guys, money bags to increase hees bounty, bulleets to feel hees ammo belt, armoured jacket to protect heem, all thees I onderstand - but what are thees crucifixes, potions and honeypots? I no beleev it! Cleent have to fight off Smiley Ghosts, Scorpions an' Hornets? Ees jost seelly! Do you theenk the Man Weeth No Name would get eento a gon-fight with Smiley the Cuddly Pacman? Hi don't theenk so!

Ees all a beeg disappointment for a simple bandido. Could have been a good game, bot no, gringo programmers make eet too deeficult to control, an' put too many seely theengs een eet. Thees makes me sad. Hi theenk hi go down to the Las' Chance Saloon an' peeck a fight weeth some sheepfarmers.

Label: Zeppelin Price: £2.99 Reviewer: Chris Jenkins

Control he is no good, ees no realistic, ees beeg disappointment.