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Honest hofficer, (hic!) ish like thish (prar-ar-p), I've been researching the background to Alligata's new Pub Games. You don't know the hell I've been through (brudd-dup). I've had to check the accu-, accura-, - make sure they're like the real thing.

See, Alligata has got all these games on the one tape, - I don't mean toff wine bar games like wet t-shirt compos and get the top off Grolsch bottles, but classic Brit games like what you'd play down the Rovers or Queen Vic - darts, bar billiards, dominoes, table footie, pontoon, poker and skittles. You can play them as individual games or run your total together for an aggregate score measured in pounds (green drinking vouchers to you, tosh). You can play on your tod, or with muckers, (though it don't say nothing about bears), repeatedly on practice mode or in full competition. Ish great! (Brr-pppp).

The darts is 501 straight start, best of three, (d'you really spell Oche like that?) it's easy enough to move yer arrer over the target, but there's a built-in wobble (bit like in my legs) which means more than a little skill is required. The bar billiards is brill - you have to adjust your cue ball position, cue angle and power to make a decent break, and just like in the real thing, the bar drops after ten minutes. (but it never closes. Geddit? Oh. never mind).

The dominoes is boring (that's my theory) but you can cheat like hell, which livens it up a bit. The table footie is a high speed reaction and reflex game. (Don Howe just wouldn't understand) where the secret is all in the wrist action. Them guys wiv the waistcoats on and aces up their holes, should enjoy the pontoon and poker. My mate Robbie B. says the pontoon is unbelievably accurate, with stakes kept to a fiver so you can keep enough for when you're next in the chair. The poker's a bit bland (and some of the hands keep repeating themselves, just like me) with no chance of betting, but then the high odds hands come up pretty frequently so that adds to the glam.

An' it's all wrapped up by skittles which is a bit of a come down after the others - you just line the ball up and let it go. The pins fall down more often than me. It don't 'alf make you jump 'cos out of the blue some bloke shouts 'Strike!'. It's a shame actually, 'cos that's about all this game lacks - decent sound effects. That, and soup in a basket.

Accompany you to the station offisher! I do not require a train. Can't I stay here with my head against this nice cosy kerb. Please?