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Why ever would Pat deliver telephone directories? Surely all his customers will start ringing each other instead of writing, and he'll end up with no letters and no job? Not only this, but he's doing a spot of moonlighting. His old pal Delivery Man Dan has broken his leg, so Pat agrees to help out by distributing those phonebooks for him.

For such heavy objects he has a strange way of delivering them. Instead of sticking them through letterboxes, and running the risk of dog bites, he just flings 'em in the general direction of houses as he passes in his van. It's a sort of vertically scrolling Paperboy, but not half as playable. As in that game, the hazards appear in a set pattern: lorries, cars and bikes arrive from in front and behind - and from the sides at junctions. Smashing into these (even juggernauts) doesn't result in a Pat-splat, but too many dents in his van (or missed deliveries) and it's game over.

Traffic is very difficult to avoid, especially when there's roadworks or nails on the other side of the road. So it's a frustrating affair until you learn where vehicles are coming from.

This is the case even on the easiest of three levels. In fact, the only difference between these is your method of parcel flinging: flying in the right direction automatically, going in the direction selected by joystick, or going the same way as the side of the road you're on. It's hair-tearing stuff, with extra problems caused by a time limit and rapidly diminishing fuel - you need to stop at petrol stations to complete a full week of deliveries.

All in all, it's a very poor use of the licence: Pat isn't even doing his usual job, there's no sign of any of the other characters and Jess only appears as a static pic in the status panel. It looks very much like the licence was tacked onto a completely unconnected game. This might be forgiven if it was at all playable but it's hellishly frustrating, trial and error material. Just like a postage stamp, you can stick it.

I was surprised to discover Pat had starred in two other games, and quite curious whether they're as diabolical as this one. Pat was never a favourite character of mine, even though he has a big nose (just like me) - and his cat seemed a bit manky, to be brutally honest.

The game is a basic 2D Paperboy, with a jerkily scrolling background moving with a grace usually associated with Phil King after a couple of pints at lunchtime. The rendition of the Postman Pat theme does little to improve affairs.

So, without any further ado, we'll fade out this comments box with a slightly altered version of the song...

Postman Pat, Postman Pat, Postman Pat ran over his cat,
Early in the morning, the eager flies were swarming,
Now Patrick's really not a happy man.

Presentation 45%
Not much difference between three skill levels

Graphics 41%
This merely looks like a poor SEUCK effort

Sound 59%
Minimal effects, okay rendition of TV theme

Hookability 40%
More off-putting than a rabid rottweiler

Lastability 44%
It's tough, and frustration makes you give up

Overall 43%