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In my first real P.E. lesson, and having never played basketball before, our teacher sent me out onto the court. Someone threw the ball to me and, having seen enough American TV to know basketballs belong in hoops, I promptly aimed and fired and scored a perfect basket. In my own team's basket. I was regarded with bewilderment whilst our teacher proceeded to scream "Are you on drugs?!" in my face. Polar Perils reminded me of that experience.

There are three mini-games, all of which are variants of each other. The first involves crossing a stretch of ocean on floating ice floes (sort of like strong lilly-pads), the second is a walk over thin ice and the third is a kayaking jaunt between the same ice floes collecting blocks of ice to build an igloo. Every mini-game is governed by rules you cannot be expected to know in advance, and mercilessly kills you off for no other reason than that.

You can move left, right, up and down or a diagonal combination. You start Polar Perils on the topmost shore with five ice floes milling about on the screen. There are two islands, each of which holds a spear, and the bottom shoreline which signifies the exit. On one of the floes is a "polar bear" (that looks more like a yellow pussycat) but all the others are free for you to use as stepping stones.

That is, if you can judge the distance between your position and the 'safe' area of floe and hit the keys at the exact moment required. To compound this, the floes often change direction both at random and when they collide with one another. The effect of this is like both waiting at a bus stop for an indeterminate period, and then sitting on it for similar one. As far as gameplay goes, it's a joke. There's no skill, and you can just as easily make it to safety as be picked off by the bear who may float next to you and jump right on your head. It's all down to pure luck. If it flows your way, you'll get a spear and strike the bear down. If not, well, you may well die of starvation before seeing any action.

The second mission is even more atrocious with an entirely white screen apart from a sign saying 'Thin Ice'. As before the aim is to get a spear and strike the bears down. This time however, every step into an unexplored area is a risk. No skill can be employed to increase your chances of survival. No clues are given as to what area is dangerous. All you have is luck.

The third mission puts your eskimo into a kayak and in the ocean of mission one. Now most of the floes must be avoided... apart from the one which has a square on it, which must be carefully edged up to but not touched to 'collect' the 'ice block'. Unlucky? Well, with ice floes that constantly change direction without warning, you can guess how this usually goes for you, right?

Polar Perils is the last-known release from Squirrel Software and it's even rarer and more rubbish than their game Bun Fun. It clearly sent review copies to the Acorn press, but they all denounced it as the unplayable trash it is, and it seems very few copies were sold. Even the very hardened collectors are missing this one; no-one has even managed to find a boxed version. Will it ever turn up? What sort of price would it command if it did and with all we know about it? Assuming a version is ever found with the cover art, then I'd guess no more than £10 thereafter.